Losing the tears
Wandering through the aisle of confusion
Leaving traces of long gone depression
Looking desperately for solution
Why have I come to this situation?
Turning back was not a great choice
I had to go through despite the noise
Walking and running towards the voice
What could it be that had loosen my poise?
I had so many questions left unanswered.
Looking for someone these feelings be shared.
I kept searching til the end I reached
I saw the exit and my soul cheered.
Bare footed I walked and wandered once more.
This time with light and a little more sore.
Beneath the tree I found you *Amore*,
Our hearts rejoiced for the ones it adore.
Gone were the doubts and worries
From yesteryear's shams and drudgeries.
With your presence, I lost my fears.
With your love, I lost the painful tears.
Forgiveness is a gift. Try to give it to yourself!
**Forgiveness has something to do with moving forward. Once you're ready to forgive, you are ready to move forward.**
I've seen married couple divorced, families get broken, and friendships ended. I've crossed their paths more than once in my life. I've seen how anger had taken up so much of the supposed happy years of their lives. And I can't help but wonder about the common grounds of these unsatisfied people. Was it money, was it love, was it health or was it approval? When I came to my senses and examined myself, I found out, I am one of those unhappy people. So I started interrogating myself what went wrong, why do I seem so unhappy?
There's so much things from my past that I guess had contributed and worsen my emotional stability. One of which is my constant need of approval and appreciation. I wanted the spotlight. I wanted to be recognized. I wanted to get what I want. But failures are inevitable. Because while I thought I deserved to win, somebody else worked hard to deserve it more than I do. But I did not see it that way before. So, I grew up blaming myself for being not good enough.
And it worsen when I hit puberty. There were so much changes and I cannot almost cope up with it. It came to the point that I was able to hurt others for not being able to control my emotions. But the truth is, I was not mad at them; I was mad at myself. I wanted to be someone I am not because I thought no one wanted a failure and I thought I was a failure. I kept on comparing myself to other people, my friends and even my siblings. I grew so much mad that years passed by I almost lost the ability to trace back where it all came from. So I kept being mad. It was those times when I'd happen to had several anxiety attacks. And not long enough after, I found myself seeing a counselor and then later on a Psychiatrist.
For the first few months, I tried to please my counselor. I acted as if things were pretty much normal. But based on several tests, she revealed to me that my behavior are on extremes. I was not quite sure if I understood that during that time. But I was quick on thinking to use my disadvantage to act even more unreasonable. And when I saw enough people I bled on - people who did not cut me - I was as if electrified back to my senses. I looked for more means of emotional help and stumbled upon one of the very best psychiatrists in the country, one who worked in National Center for Mental Health. She was pretty cool on me. And I did my best to be as honest as possible despite of the fact that I was too ashamed to admit everything I did in the past. But I did become honest which made me a little more comfortable. She gave me advice along with prescriptions. And one of her advice was to always write a journal and read a book entitled, "Purpose Driven Life".
I took a U-turn at my life to see how worse have I become over the past years. And each day I took notes on the significant memories I have in the past - one that is cheerful and one that is depressing. Each day I collected memories and each day I would stare blankly at nothing while my thoughts travel through the past. Some days, the recollected memories were too harsh to write and so it would take a couple of tears on the paper before actually replacing them with inked words. As I went with it, which was at first felt like a duty then later on became a habit, I found myself happy. I, like everyone else have pretty good things to reminisce about. I indeed was once the kind of friend you would want to chat with, the kind of sister you'd rely on and the kind of daughter you would be proud of. I was the kind of person I was aiming to be!!!
What happened in the past really was, all the guilt got piled up that I was no longer courageous to confess my mistakes. While several events in the past made other people to forgive me, I was not really paying attention to it. For me, it did not matter. Because whether they had forgiven me, I was not able to forgive myself!
It was the kind of realizations that took me long enough to finally process. I was only good at pleasing others to get the attention I want but I was not good at pleasing myself to be happy. And when all of that finally sank in, I went on to starting to forgive myself and to ask forgiveness from the people I hurt.
And as I put the broken pieces back together, I finally found the lost me! The one I kept searching for! The incident I kept blaming other people about! I finally was able to gather myself together and eventually forgave myself.
That is when I finally found the mother in me.
This has been the mom-gineer @missnikkabomb saying, "Sometimes what you are desperately looking for is just at your reach. Stop guilt-tripping around and find peace within you. And if forgiveness is a gift, try to give it to yourself!"
<sub> I was destined to be a successful civil engineer but my heart belongs to literature. And if I have learnt something from the past years of struggles, it is maybe this - "Sometimes a leap of faith is what you need in order to find happiness. Because if you are not to become a happy person, then what's the purpose of life then?". </sub>
<sub> And so here I am, in my little corner in the blockchain. I hope you had a good read and check out more here ---> @missnikkabomb. Lovelots.</sub> https://steemit.com/@nikkabomb
A Mom-Gineer
Being a house mom and a working mom are both difficult jobs that should be respected. And I happen to be both.
I start my day waking up at 05:30AM preparing for the day doing the ordinary “momduties”.
1. Cleaning all feeding bottles used at night.
2. Preparing for breakfast for me and my baby.
3. Cook rice good for 3 meals (breakfast til dinner)
4. Take a bath and do some “me-time”
My baby wakes up at around 07:00AM and by this time I usually finish with the above mentioned tasks. By 07:10, I start feeding my baby with all the singing and dancing involved. We consume almost 30 minutes every meal and I immediately take her to the bathroom for her morning bathe which only takes 10 minutes. And when the clock strikes at 07:45AM, her babysitter comes in and so that’s the time I get to do my final preparation prior to work - pack my breakfast, change clothes, and arrange some stuff. I sometimes don’t get the chance to wash the dishes that my daughter just used. Thankfully her babysitter does more than I expect from her and she is truly a blessing to me.
My work starts at 08:00AM and even if I went out at 07:50AM from our condo, I don’t get late because our site office is just a 5-minute walk from our condo.
My morning routine at work involves (1) site inspection, (2) reporting, (3) material monitoring, (4) client entertainment, (5) answering phone calls. During lunch break, I always go back to my condo and eats lunch with my baby and her babysitter.
My baby likes rice and fruits so much that I consume most of my time feeding her than me feeding myself. I enjoyed it so much because it’s just a wonderful sight to see. With my one-hour lunch break, I get to (1) feed my baby, (2) feed myself, (3) wash the dishes, (5) bathe my baby or at least wash her. I like doing these stuff because every single time I get my ass to rest, I instantly fall to the dungeons of procrastination. Hahaha So pardon me if I keep interfering at the babysitter’s job.
I am so happy that I get to feed my baby and bathe her with my hectic schedule at work. It’s the simplest things that make a mom like me truly happy.
Then afternoon work schedule comes in which is definitely just like my morning routine but a little less busy.
Being a working mom is not easy but not that too hard as well. There’s this thin line that is rewarding enough being that busy knowing you are providing for your own baby. And as for the housewives, I totally vouch the hard work that has to be exerted by every moms in making the household peaceful and healthy. So whichever type of a mom you are, please know that you are truly amazing at what you do and no one else can be a better mom to your child than you already are.
And as for the finale photo of this blog, here’s my daughter at my workplace. This is our daily routine since my babysitter only works from 07:45AM to 05:25PM from Mondays to Fridays.
That’s all for now. Til next blog.
From your mom-ginner, @missnikkabomb
My baby’s first 9 months before I went back to work
I racked my brain out thinking if I can be at least half the mother my mom has ever been. I grew up looking up to how my mom raised her five children with no college degree and just pure diligence. While there’s me, a civil engineer, an amateur photographer, and an aspiring writer but all these make me nervous because I still feel I’m not good enough to be called a mother.
It was rough and intensely challenging. I never thought it would be this difficult. I cried every day and every night while breastfeeding my baby. I don’t know if it’s just me or it’s what it really felt like breastfeeding our babies. It’s a lonely and sad feeling but I am happy at the same time. It’s an unexplainable mix of emotions. Thankfully, my husband was right there beside me wiping my tears away. I am blessed indeed.
I made it through because of the love and support of the people around me especially my own mother and my husband. They gave me enough advice and assurance that I can eventually get the hang of it.
Time was both my friend and enemy. Because of time, I quickly learned how to bathe my baby, properly hold her, burp her, and put her to sleep like a pro. But time fled fast that it was about time for my husband to go back to work. We were in Bohol all those time and my husband has to go back to Cebu. He was with me starting the first lockdown announcement last 2020 and stayed with us for five months. And when he left, I tried my best to stay as strong as I can and tried remembering everything my husband did for us that I have to do on my own.
It was not easy. But I had to endure everything. I had to be strong. I had to stay strong.
Thankfully my baby is a healthy and happy baby that she only had fever once during her first vaccine. I am also thankful to my mother and friends who supported and comforted me during those lonely days. Also my husband who constantly checked on us.
Indeed, good relationship makes hardships bearable.
It was hard as it is but it was even harder when my baby started to eat solids. I really spent hours researching and preparing her food. It was tiring but rewarding. I’d like to share you some of what I made.
I’ll be posting a separate blog on my baby’s journey and my attempt on her BLW 😘
Just when I got the hang of it, I was called to work in Cebu. I needed the job to support my family and so I had to leave. I think that was the most heartbreaking moment I ever had. I cried every night for three months straight because I missed my daughter so much. I worked and saved for three months until I had enough finances to bring my baby here in Cebu. And that’s the short story of how things ended me working in Cebu, and keeping my baby in the condo where I worked nearby. God is so gracious. He indeed rewards His children.
For now, I’ll end it here. Till next blog guys.
Check out my first blog here 👇🏻
<a href=“https://read.cash/@missnikkabomb/confession-of-a-new-mother-1bfa5566”>Confession of A New Mother</a>
Confession of a New Mother
I’ve been distancing myself from the social media since I got pregnant. Not because I was ashamed but because I didn’t want the unnecessary drama to start. That was what I was thinking back then. I thought I’d never bear the comments from other people. And I thought I’d receive more criticism than compliments. I was not ashamed. I was afraid.
I was on the verge of my youthful years when I got pregnant and was married to the father of my child on my 5th month of pregnancy. I am happy with everything that has happened in my life even though it was not what I thought on how my life would unravel. But I guess that’s life - full of surprises.
For the nine months that I carried my little gift from God, I had it really tough on the first four months - headache, vomiting, nausea, and restlessness. I would sing song of praises and prayed to the heavens that I’d never want to get pregnant again. But everything that I had said during those times were completely different when I actually gave birth.
It took only three hours before this little angel greeted the world. I did not even make it to the delivery room and just gave birth on my labor room bed. It was fast that I didn’t think of anything. It was miraculous that I cried non-stop even during the cleaning. I was literally sleepless for days, weeks and months; not being able to completely snap back to reality.
I became a mother. I am now a mother. Still clueless. Still immature. Still lacking confidence. I still do not know if what I’m doing is actually what’s best for my child. I still wonder how other moms look effortlessly amazing at being a mother. I cry every night saying to myself that I should do better. I guess this is what’s postpartum depression is. I was having really hard time for the past months but now I have decided to take a break by writing back my emotions and finding comfort from other moms. And so it brought me here to read cash.
I was lost for awhile but now I think I am back to my track. This way I can learn from other people and I’d be able to share my struggles in the hopes to inspire others as well. J.K. Rowling said, “We are only as strong as we are united and as weak as we are divided.”
I thank all my family and friends who constantly checked on me during those darkest times. Also, I thank my husband for the love, understanding, patience, and faithfulness. Lastly, I thank everyone here in advance as I know I’d be having a great time here.
This is @missnikkabomb , and you’ll expect contents of motherhood, working mom, photography, and food journeys from me on this day onwards. I’d share basic “how to’s” and a lot of secrets of motherhood that I have learned so far.
@missnikkabomb
