Ataraxia

There's something about the serenity of night that calms the unsettling thoughts running amok in my head. Somehow, it's like a finger pressing the pause button and everything just stops, at least for a while till the sun comes up.

Sleep rarely comes, I simply cannot put myself to do it. It isn't hard, there's just a lot of things to do, to experience, and to explore. Insomnia, my mom calls it, avoiding the fact that I could be mentally ill.

The need to savor the night is too much. I enjoy laying on my back in the dewy grass staring at the dark sky, tracing my name through the stars, imagining how it feels to be up there. Looking down the world; being mighty and high.

"Not sleepy?" he asks, pulling me to his side. Our eyes met and I smile, loving the feeling they are giving me. The warmth of love and understanding.

I raise my shoulders, my hand goes over to his face then a finger taps the tip of his nose. "You? Aren't you sleepy?"A shrug is his only response. "My dad thinks I'm depressed."

"Are you?"

"No...I don't know," I answer honestly.

"What does your mom says?"

"That I'm just having a phase. Teenagers."

"It'll fade away." He turns his back away from me then points a finger upward, "Do you know my favorite constellation?"

"Um...no?" I answer, laughing innocently not spoiling the story that would come next. I love hearing his voice, the melodic singsong almost feminine sound.

"Leo," he answers, facing me once more. His face inches closer to mine; long curly brown hair frames me as minty breath hits my nostrils.

"Ah-huh."

"Leo the lover. The constellation tells the story of Pyramus and Thisbe. Despite their families' objections, the two lovers decided to elope but when Thisbe arrived at the designated place, her beloved Pyramus was not there. Instead, Thisbe discovered a bloodied lion and ran from it, but not before the mighty lion pawed at her veil and captured it. Meanwhile, Pyramus finally arrived and was overcome with grief when he found the torn bloody veil. Assuming Thisbe was dead and the lion had escaped with her body, he killed himself with his sword. Needing to be certain her lover was dead, Thisbe returned and when she found Pyramus dead, she flung herself onto his sword and died. Zeus took Thisbe's veil and floated it into the sky-- the Coma Berenices-- where it remains beside the lion," he finishes, planting a light kiss on my lips. "I want to be like Pyramus, to love till death."

"But it is sad, just like the story of Romeo and Juliet. I think it's foolish to love like that..." I drag my words as he starts lightly shaking his head, negating me.

"It is never foolish to love, love is the purpose of life." He sits up, looking away, to the darkened street.

"That makes it ephemeral, right?" I pull up my weight and sit up to his side. Casting my eyes straight forward, finding what's making him oblivious of my neighborhood.

"But everyone knows them, Romeo and Juliet are icons of love, they'll live forever till the dawn of time. Longer than the both of us."

"It doesn't make sense to me...can't people just move on? We ought to move on after hurting, we don't just stop. It's part of being human." I slump back in the grass, putting my hands over my head.

Sighing, he moves on top of me, hands on each of my sides. "I would die if I lose you."

"I won't leave you." I put my hands on his neck, pulling him down on me, our nose touches, "Never. You, would you leave me?"

Instead of answering, he crashes his weight on me, pinning me down. Our lips lock into a kiss. The familiar tingling sensation stabs my toes and I curl them as our tongues explore each others' mouths. Butterflies all over my stomach, my hands start ruffling his hair. A low moan escapes from him. The kiss deepens until I push him up before everything escalates into something else. "I love you," he whispers closely in my ears.

"But..you didn't answer me." I put both hands on his cheeks, forcing him to look me in the eyes-- the blues of his to the greens of mine. "Answer me," I plead.

"Darling...darling, baby? Are you there?" My mom walks into our backyard, looking for me. I keep a deaf ear to her shouting.

I focus on him, "Please?" His smile transforms into a lonely frown.

"Darling!" My mom's voice gets nearer as the click-clacking of her high-heeled shoes, it's eerie hours and she's still wearing her darn shoes. "There you are!" she exclaims finally seeing me.

"You ruined it," I mumble in my mom's direction.

"What are doing here, honey?" I sit up, looking at her. "Thinking of him again?" No words come out. I don't want to talk. "Hon, you know you can talk to me, right?"

I nod my yes, "I know." She sits beside me, enveloping me in a tight hug. "I miss him."

"Of course you do, of course," she says consoling me. Fat angry tears flow down my face and all the bottled-up emotions are unleashed. "Cry out, cry it all out."

"Would he hate me?" I stammer between the crying.

"No, it's your right honey."

"But we promised! I promised."

The scenery before me transforms; the grass becomes a plate of red bricks, behind me is an abandoned building and above the sky, pitch darkness without any twinkling stars. The air turns chilling; as it is nearing the solstice. It is dead silence with the casual chirping of one or two crickets.

"Are you being nervous?" I blink at his question. I'm not yet done thinking actually. Nodding, I answer him, afraid of the voice that will come out. "I love you," he says, our forehead touching. He helps me tighten the grip over the metal.

"I know, I love you too..." Tasting the salty tears flowing down my face, I swallow the build-up of saliva.

Bye, he mouths on me. Our fingers both press it and a loud bang echoes through my hearing. Red splatters everywhere in my face, shock has eaten me with a dreadful claw.

I freeze.stop.nothing.

"Honey, look at me." My mom grabs both my shoulders, forcing me to focus on her, waking me up from the melancholic epiphanies. "It's not your fault that you chose to live. It only means that you are strong, stronger than him."

"But I love him. He'd hate me. I broke our promise."

"No, he won't."

"How'd you know? He's gone, mama."

"Because he loves you." I free away, standing up. Finding Leo in the sky.

"Why did he do it?" I ask still looking up. "Why didn't I saw it all?"

"Because we tend to look only parts of the whole picture. We mainly focus on happy smiles. Honey even the happiest person hides dark secrets."

"Don't go shrinking on me, I'm not one of your patients."

She sighs, "Aren't you sleeping yet?"

"I still want to look at the stars."

"Okay, get in when you are done. I'll make you some sandwich."

"Thanks, mom." She squeezes my hand before walking out.

Though an apparition he reappears in my vanguard from out of thin air. "I uh...you know...t-that...I need to move on."

"I know..."

"But it's easier to pretend."

"I know, but you have to let me go. You have to, love," he says, caressing my face, wiping off my tears.

"I can't...it's easier to pretend that you're still here, beside me...than thinking that you are gone. Dead." The tears become a flood, blinding my sight.

"Move on, be happy."

I shake my head, burrowing it behind my hands as my legs become wobbly and slump to the ground.

Maybe I should have pulled the trigger after he did. Then, maybe the night wouldn't turn so wretched especially when it strikes twelve when everything should feel calm. And maybe I will finally be able to sleep.

Author's Notes: This story is somewhat similar to Ephemeral. But I love story so much I want to post it here.

Ephemeral was a story entered in a contest. And the essence of the story basically comes from Ataraxia. It won second place. Hehe.

And to give you a jist about how I write, I write basically tragic stories with cliffhangers. I mostly write dark romance, thrillers on my novels. But with one shots that I post here, I'm more on romance and fantasy. Yeah, I'll be posting fantasy one shots too. And one more, I might be writing in my original tongue too one of these days. Though I'm having a hard time writing in Filipino. Haha.

So yeah, that's for now. Thank you for those who found their way to my stories..