Just living.

It's a simple enough statement. I can't tell anyone here what I am feeling other than I am not in the best state of mind. I know I am feeling something because I go to bed with my stomach in a knot and I am not even breathing like I have eaten something off.

I know I am being very evasive even though this is my writing and you are here to listen to my tale but just know... I am in limbo at the moment. I hate it when this feeling happens to me.

Lets just all say I am finding it hard to now sing Goo Goo Dolls song 'Iris'. It is cutting into my very fiber... the melodrama is killing me.

When everything's made to be broken...

It's okay, just breathe they say. Everything will be OK. It takes two to create things and it takes just one to turn the other way and walk a different path to let things start to crumble. Again the melancholy... This is not what I had set out to do with this platform but its the only thing that is eating me now and I have to admit most of my happy posts will probably get all gloomy in the next few weeks so I will apologize now since I did make a point to myself of posting daily here.

There is no amount of trying to find something to write about when everything I see will just probably die out in a vain attempt to paint a whole different kind of picture. Of course I will have a good moment where I can laugh but I always look back at Robin Williams and be reminded to just breath and sometimes not pretend to be happy all the time.

I just have to think back at this conversation and know I can still make it funny when I do find the occasion to get out of my dark clouded head. Its always disconcerting how I can just flip easily then slide back into the gloom brewing in my horizon.

Well I want to just say I hope I will continue with this writing goal of mine. Maybe my setting will probably even change completely. I will try to perk up in my next post, I will try. I can't promise but I will try. That is all I can do for now.

I will leave this now because I think will just drown out my gloominess for a bit and see if I can either add to this later to maybe I will just keep going. After all my effort here is not something that requires me to go out of my way.

I have been talking to some of my friends to get their feedback on how I am gloomy. Some have told me to seek help in case I have a mental breakdown. I really don't like writing like this since I think my pride and ego is affected severely. I can talk about it when I am speaking since I freely express how I am feeling and are able to withdraw just as quickly and smile to make myself look like I am all cool. I know it's not healthy I can really tell its now since when I am not distracted I am feeling the knot getting tighter and tighter.

Wish I could just drink all the time so I can just crash out and burn so I don't have to think... Drown out the thoughts and just forget. Yeah I am afraid I will lose my grip of sanity... Just breathe... Everything will be alright... right...?