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So many things changed after my one and only love relationship started. Change happens every time you are thrown into new situations - it´s a natural process.
Besides experiencing new things and meeting new people, this relationship also changed my view on certain things involving my own family and my home. I´m alright with the change but it terrifies me at the same time.
I currently live with my boyfriend. Not officially, but technically yes. We are staying with my boyfriend´s grandma, in her flat. There is not much space to go by but we have a place to sleep, eat and work, so it´s more than satisfactory. I can´t complain about being there for free, can I?
The only time I travel home to my mum and my younger sister is when I need some things from home (clothes, supplies...) or when there are some holidays - summer holidays, Christmas etc. So I basically see them just a few times a year (often once a month or two months).
Don´t take me wrong. I love my mum and my sister. I can´t imagine losing them. BUT - I´m not comfortable spending time with them anymore.
The thing is that in my boyfriend´s family everyone is so chill and nice and with positive energy all the time. For the whole 2 years, I haven´t experienced any fights or anything like that. All I found was understanding, support and polite behaviour every time.
This made me realize that the atmosphere which I have at my real home is not okay.
Well...and what it´s like at my home, with my mum and sister? We are always fighting over everything - over dirty dishes, over what is for lunch and whatnot, over money and gifted things, overall stupid stuff. We are constantly rude to each other. Like very, very rude, all kinds of bad, bad words are being thrown at you - my younger sister is an expert in this, she has no respect for my mum or me when she´s angry or just in a mood to fight.
My mum also likes to drink alcohol, which is not only expensive for us (we struggle with money every month) but it also influences her behaviour. She´s often calling me or texting me when drunk and saying nonsense, blaming me for her problems. I´m sad that my sister needs to experience it on daily basis.
I always thought that this behaviour is normal in every family (we all fight sometimes, don´t we?), but staying with different people made me realize that no, it isn´t normal at all (at least not to this extent). I no longer wish to stay in such an unhealthy environment.
I´m not suffering from depression, I´m not going to any therapy, but my mental state is not really stable I´d say. I often have anxiety and I can remember many times when I cried because we were fighting again or because I was called a useless piece of sh*t (or worse, you know it) for no reason. I was curled up in my bed, crying for hours because I couldn´t stand it anymore.
It´s really sad to say, but I´m much more content and mentally healthy when I´m away.
I miss my family, of course, I do. I spent 20 years living with them and also having good times, many good times!, but I tasted the difference and I just can´t force myself to go back now. I feel like I would crumble and really need to get therapy or something.
So let me ask you... Do you blame me for not liking the idea of being at home? Not even for Christmas?
I don´t remember even one Christmas night when we would not fight. We are able to fight while sitting at a table full of delicious food having a Christmas dinner. Christmas is meant to be peaceful, but not in my family. In my family, Christmas can become a horror.
From what my mum texted me last time, we are not celebrating Christmas because she doesn´t like it and she doesn´t have money for any gifts. (This happens every year btw but in the end, it´s all relatively good. With fighting but good.) Again, I tried to explain to her that the gifts don´t matter, but she wasn´t listening. She´s angry at Christmas and possibly at my sister, as always, so she doesn´t want to celebrate anything. I´m not happy with that at all.
I guess we will see how it´ll go this time when I will arrive home. I will leave my boyfriend on the 22nd/23rd of December and travel home for Christmas week or a little longer. I´m not planning to stay ´till New Year´s though because I know I would not handle it.
I don´t know how many articles I will be able to write before Christmas because the examination week at my university will start soon, so Merry Christmas to you all in advance! 🎄🎁💗