The time when I was falling apart, you were not there to bear witness to such an ugly side. You had no right to tell others you have seen me at my worst. I had no right to lie that you did.
Everything that had been between us was built on a foundation of pity and lies. Such a flimsy thing can never withstand the currents that are bound to touch our chaotic falsity.
Check out my wonderful sponsors and their articles.You thought you knew everything there is to know about me. But you weren't there when I confessed in a whisper about how I wanted to cut my tongue off for lying. How I knew I was not in love yet chose to play the part as if I am.
Where I knew everything is because of pity amd guilt that I felt for you and never once because of something else.
Oh, how blissful it was to have lived in bliss. Never knowing that the one you loved feel not the same for you.
You were able to do that because you weren't there when I fall to my knees. Tears on my eyes and begging to skies to let me wake up from this nightmare. But I never did escape this hell that I chose to place myself in. Not until you decided to prey on someone else.
You chose to force yourself to me in the name of this thing you claim as love. And I never has the strength to push you off the edge.
September's coming and the nightmares plague my nights again. I would rather not sleep than face the countless agony I felt again in my dreams.
I wonder often if I had been a little more heartless and a lot more cruel, would I have been able to spare myself from the hell I lived for a year.
It seems like bad attitude to regret being there for a suicidal person.
The savior complex I had back then was the reason for my predicament now. I could help myself so I thought it would be eniugh if I couls help someone who was struggling too.
I could not even face my own demons. Why did I ever think I could help rid you of yours?
You weren't there when I was the one who needed someone.
So ignorant was I of the fact that people do not have the same heart as mine that I believed you would not leave in my darkest days for I burned to give you light when you are stuck in the dark.
The lessons learned were paid for with blood, tears, and months of self-loathing.
Even now that I could barely remember the dates and the places, I could still feel the disgust I had each time I was playing the part of a loving girlfriend.
I can still feel the ache of the the water touching my skin after I scrubbed myself until I feel like I am clean again.
The worst part is until now, no one ever knew all the cruelty I had to lived with a smile on my face.
I wish to get rid of these memories. Pretend I had never once stayed in such toxicity. But that is far beyond my reach.
The dreams I had for my first relationship to be full of awkwardness yet so wholesome still remained to stay just as that.
I cannot enjoy the company of other people for a part of me believes that if I ever get attached to someone else, they would take advantage of me as you did.
Perhaps the feeling of doubts and pain will never truly go away. Perhaps in the next few years I would have 3 months every year filled with nightmares.
But the world does not stop just because it felt like my world stopped.
You weren't there when I finally took a step forward. A step into a place where everything that happened was nothing but a distant memory.
I have never truly forgiven myself for what happened to me back then. But with this letter, I want to start the painful process of opening the wound carelessly treated. I want to take apart the scars so that I may heal properly.
I want to experience love someday without remembering the perversion you made out of it.
I do not want to burden anyone with these memories so I will take them apart one by one until I would no longer bury the part of me that I wish I had never been.
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Love can move mountains as others say. You'll do anything just to make him/her happy. One sided love? That hurts I know but it is better to experience love than never have loved at all.
If that is the case, maybe its time to let him go. Move on and just remember that there is someone who really belongs to you, someone who will adore you and love you back.