When the Demons Win
I have been fighting depression for years now. Sometimes, I could easily fight back but there were other times when I would feel so weak at the face of my demons that I almost give up.
During these dark days, writing is the only solace I know. When I am writing it felt like I am free and alone. This is when I would feel the most peaceful at.
Today, I discovered one of the letters I wrote when I was defeated by the demons that day. However, I still won the battle since I am still here, and I am still writing to share my stories. The following italicized words are part of the letter that I wrote during one of my dark days.
Sometimes, goodbye doesn't have to hurt
This will be the last time I will write something. My world is a dark place. Thank you all for staying with me. Thank you for being by my side as I fight my battle. But now, I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of being alive. I've given enough love to the world. I've saved a life. But I couldn't save me. Every inspirational message will tell you it gets better, just give it time. But it doesn't get better for everyone. For some, it gets worse. The lucky ones are those alive who can tell others it gets better. But the unlucky ones? They get consume by the demons they tried to run away from, tried to fight, tried to face.
This is the last time I will write because I'm giving up, and to the people who I've promised to that I will not give in. I'm sorry. Everyone kept telling me that me holding too much onto the promises of others is my toxic trait. So I guess, you just have to understand. Seeing the world gets happier without me is killing me. I helped others till they can stand on their own two feet then when they get better they left me behind. The world doesn't need me anymore. It will function properly without me. It's not your fault. I'm sorry that it has come to this but I'm not sorry for choosing this path.
To all of you who stayed and read my words, thank you. You mean a lot to me. I hope you all have a good life and please take care of yourself.
The world is colder and darker. And to those who said that it is better to have known love and lost it than to have never known it at all, I beg to differ. The world would have been a lot better without this pain.
To the ones who left me behind when I needed you most, I hope she will never leave you when you become too much. I hope you made the right choice. I hope you remember who stayed with you when you have no one. I hope the two of you are happy.
This is the last time I will write.
Upon reading this letter, I felt so sad for my past self. I wish she knew back then that things will get better. I hope that she never felt the need to write this letter. I hope she knows that in the future, I will be proud of her.
There is something nostalgic about seeing the state of yourself in the past. The written words will never change no matter what I feel right now about them, but memories are unreliable. So reading everything I wrote when I was struggling gave me a glimpse of the feelings I had back then. The raw sadness and hopelessness, thinking that there is nothing else worth fighting for.
This is the reason why I am still writing. Writing what happens give my future self a clue to what I really felt back then. It would give other people who read my works a glimpse of what I feel, a glimpse of my soul.
And should the day comes that I feel like I am losing a battle against myself, I have this article to remind me that I have been fighting for too long to give up now. So no matter how many times I stumble, I will fight back and I will live my life the way I want to because there is no way I am just letting the demons have their win.
