Shameless Hidden Dream

We all have some desires that we do not talk about too much. May it be for fear of judgement or just wanting to keep things to ourselves, it is an undeniable fact that we all have one.

I feel okay admitting it here because not many know who I am behind my pseudoname.

For me, my hidden desire is to have a rich guy fall in love with me. I want to be taken care of. I want to not have to worry about money in my life.

Before you think that I am secretly a gold digger, that is not true. A gold digger will just look at a person as a walking ATM. What I want is something more.

I want someone who is financially secure because for as long as I can remember, money has always been a part of my family's problem. Sure, we can eat 3 times a day, but the debt that my parents accumulated through the years are still not fully paid off.

Everytime I have some extra money, I will feel guilty about not giving some for paying bills and groceries.

I want someone who can spoil me. While I feel embarassed accepting things in real life, a part of me wished that there is someone who will insist on paying for what I want.

Is it bad to dream of a life where money is never a part of your problem? I think everyone of us had a dream of winning or receiving a big sum of money due to luck.

I want someone who will held me, and make me feel okay. Someone who I can believe when they tell me they will help me because I know they can.

Money cannot buy happiness nor can it buy love. But having money sure does make life a little bit easier. It means less anxiety about where to find money to pay the bills or buy food. It means not having to choose a cheap alternative to what you really want. It means that you can choose clothes are both comfortable and fashionable.

Being an indepent woman is one common thing that I see today. For me, it is just a means of assuring that I will never experience the anxiety of not having enough money all my life. Being independent to me just means that I will be able to fend for myself if it comes down to it.

But the appeal of having someone to take care of the money problem in my future is strong. Imagine, I can shift to a course that I truly want without worrying about the scholarship I signed when I was undecided. I could afford to buy the things I need and want for my passions. I will not have to try and fit all my things to different storage boxes to make space for more. I can have a space dedicated to my hobbies instead of it being the same as my bedroom and my study room.

I would be able to just focus on crocheting things without hearing someone say that being an engineer will pay more than what I could make doing something that I love. If I had money, or if someone would offer me the support that I need, I would not need to feel that I always have to give up on what I love to do just because it will not make as much as being an engineer.

Even now as I write this, I think the hidden part of me desires my future to be someone staying at home, waiting for my partner. I would clean and prepare meals for him. Then after that, I can do what I want. I can crochet and sell things if I wanted to. I can write poems. I can make art commissions too.

But like I said, this is just a shameless dream. Something that will never make it past my mouth. I want to be able to fend for myself, but if someone can offer me the comfort of just staying at home and doing what I want without worry, why will I not take that chance, right?

Now that I am coming back to my senses, it kinda sounds like I am hoping for a sugar daddy HAHA. I will not lie and say that the thought has not crossed my mind. However, I think that I am not strong enough to deal with the judgement of others if I do pursue that path. So that will also just be something that stays in the void of who I am.

I want someone who will take comfort in my presence as I does with him. Someone who can offer me the security that I want.

That does not mean that I will not work hard though. I actually enjoy working hard if it is something that I want to do and not something that is just necessary. But life is not easy for anyone anyway. So my hidden dream is most likely just me looking to escape the thing that I have known since childhood. Still, I know that with or without a man, I will work hard to make sure that I have financial security as I grow older.

What are your hidden dreams that you feel comforrtable sharing with strangers online?

Check out my latest article here if you want to read more of my works: https://read.cash/@ZehraSky/june-crochet-projects-ded9c99b

Thank you for reading this nonsense thoughts, everyone!