Seeing an old friend again usually ends in either of the two ways. You either get to rekindle a lost friendship, and restart your adventure. Or you can stuck in an uncomfortable time engaging in small talk, wondering how to get out without seeming rude.
Most times, a nod and eye smiles can convey friendliness but sometimes those are not enough to get away with the uncomfortable moment.
Check out my wonderful sponsorsIt was a beautiful day but then the guest came barging in
My day started in a good light. I woke up early enough that I could still nap for a while before the start of the webinar I signed up for.
After I got ready, I missed the chance to participate in the Zoom meeting but I learned that there was a private Facebook live for the webinar and it is counted for the attendance.
I was relieved when I heard this because it means that I do not have to participate in Zoom with my camera open. I can listen to the webinar comfortable instead of looking all formal.
The webinar is very interesting. I was actually planning to write about what I learned because we were encouraged to share the insights we gained to others. The resource speakers are imcredible and their credentials made me strive to be like them someday too.
But then, my unwanted guest came barging in. It is an old friend that I know all so well. It has been trying to get inside my room for a few weeks now but I have always managed to keep it at bay.
However, I was not as fortunate today. Today, when I sat down to write my article, it felt like a centipide larger and taller than me wrapped its body around me.
It felt like vines were growing inside my body and slithering through all my organs until I could hardly breathe. Oh, I know that everything is just happening in my head and yet, I could not move.
The darkness seems to surround me, slowly choking the air out of me.
It is funny because I had been inactive in replying to messages because of its looming presence. I stayed alert and did my best to keep it far away as possible, and yet here I am.
I could not even bear to open the messages from group chats that I joined. Just seeing the notifications made my head hurts, my heart beats so fast that I could barely inhale the air.
Is it not funny that I try so hard to stay im the light and yet the darkness keeps on finding me? It embraces me until all I can think of is that I will never escape.
July was a month of productivity
August is the month when I went too far. Instead of just burning out, the ghosts and demons that I keep ignoring finally had enough. They came in tides and they never stop.
I thought for sure that this month I can gain a virtual friend. But that dream is so far out of my reach.
It is so easy to believe what I hear when I am alone. So easy to just stop believing in what I have learned. So easy to forget what the psych said, and what I realized from consultations.
So easy to feel alone even when I am surrounded by loved ones. So easy to feel left out even when there is a place I could belong if only I would just make an effort to do so.
But it is much easier to let the bad days consume me. It is much easier to assume what people think of me. Much easier to believe that they are just being nice in the group chat but does not really care. And that should be okay. Since we are just strangers existing in the same platform anyway. And yet I had wanted a virtual for so long but I had forgotten how to be approachable.
Does it really matter if I have loved ones who care for me? The bad days always come anyway to make the good days seem a far-fetched dream.
I wonder when I could go back to have a consultation again. I am pretty sure I need one.
Sorry
I apologize for not being able to interact with people but always seem to have time for writing an article. Writing down my thoughts feels a lot easier than trying to talk. Just thinking of interacting drains me too much already. Jist thinking of using my phone longer than I need to write an article feels so tiring.
Right now, all my energy is spent in just trying to get the pressure off my mind by writing it down and just doing things that do not involve other people.
My friends are worried and yet I could barely find it in me to read their messages. I am just so drained from entertaining my unwanted guest.
I know that it will have a long stay. It will stay with me until November finally arrives. Then I will feel lighter because another year is in sight.
But for now, let me extend my gratitude to everyone who still visits my and my sister's articles. Thank you for your support even when I am having a hard time reciprocating your kindness.
I will be sure to return the favor I received once in a while during this tiring days for me. I will do my best to visit your articles and read your comments every weekends.
Thank you for reading this article!
If you want someone to talk to about random things, you can find me here:
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To show my appreciation for the support that I have been receiving, please accept a small gift I prepared for my first reader.
Just taje your time po in interacting. Pag hindi ako nakakapag interact I'm just leaving upvotes to their articles..after reading. Centipedes really looks scary sometimes..especially their legs.