In the face of shame, therapy saved me

One of the hardest things I had to face was admitting I needed help. However, it is something that has made me realize a lot of things.

After a few months

My last psychotherapy session was on July 26. I had been wanting to go back but I always find excuses not to. Until today wherein I have to actually face the shame of not showing up after a while.

I was not excited about it. Scratch that. I really wished I did not have to do it. I was actually so close to just pretending I am attending my therapy instead of actually going.

But in the end, it seems like a part of me does want to get better. So, I messaged the clinic asking for my psychologist's availability. I was informed that his schedule for 7 pm today was available. So, I decided to pay for the consultation before I changed my mind.

A few hours before

I used to prepare for the consultation. I had a document wherein I would jot down my thoughts and feelings, trying to decide what I want to discuss with my psychologist. I would also hype myself up so that I will be able to present a good version of myself.

But today, I did not do any preparation at all. It was not due to not feeling nervous at all. It was more of the fact that I did not want to go.

I actually did not know how to face him after not going to therapy for months and showing up with the news that I tried to end it all.

I was afraid that I would feel more disappointed with myself.

So, I tried to ignore the hours leading up to 7 pm.

I was so intent on ignoring the time that I was actually able to do some activities related to academics. I was surprised to see just how much work I can do when I try to distract myself. I honestly have forgotten how responsible I could be when I wanted to be.

Still, despite my new-found productivity, the time that I am trying to ignore has come.

During the therapy

My usual self was to go to the virtual meeting room 15 minutes before the therapy starts so that I would not be late. But in this recent therapy session, I waited until the scheduled time before I clicked on the virtual meeting link.

The psychologist is already there preparing for our consultation.

I went into therapy without any idea about what I should say or if I even want to say anything. I think this is the reason why finding a therapist I feel comfortable with is important because, despite my hesitance to attend, I was still comforted with the knowledge that this psychologist is someone I could trust.

I have only had three consultations with this psychologist prior to this therapy yet I already feel as though I can be honest with my feelings during our session. I did not feel invalidated as well unlike my experience with other psychologists and psychiatrists. So, even if I am unwilling to believe in myself again, I still went to therapy. I am a bit glad that I did.

My psychologist, let us call him JG, is an angel.

My primary fear of showing up again was the disappointment that I failed to control myself and give in to my thoughts. I was afraid to hear that I made some sort of mistake and be questioned about why I did what I did.

And though those things were discussed, JG managed to bring up the sensitive topics without triggering me.

Going into the session, I did not know what to say or how to say it. But when I was finally there talking to him, I was able to be honest about what I am truly feeling. I decided to take the first step and trust him as well.

I believe that a person will not be able to help me in the best possible way if I keep hiding things from them. So, I decided to be truthful when I answered the questions he asked.

Thoughts

What I really loved about going to therapy is being able to face the ugly truth that I am feeling. Growing up, I repressed a lot of emotions in an attempt to be a perfect daughter. But in therapy, I could share my emotions despite the logical part of me that views those emotions as immature.

Moreover, JG did not give me any reaction that could trigger me.

I am on thin ice right now as such small things could literally push me over the edge. It was why I was scared to see another mental health professional after all. What if someone I trusted would become the one to push me over that edge?

Thankfully, it was not what happened.

JG was able to bring some sense of calm into my chaotic mind. He was also able to understand the sentences I left unsaid, and bring them to light so that I could have a place to talk about them.

When people said therapy was a place free of judgment, I doubted it. My experience was not that great after all. But by finding the right psychologist for me, I was able to understand how therapy could be a good thing.

Therapy did not magically heal me. Still, that one session gave me a bit of hope again. Despite how empty I may feel right now, in that session, I felt like myself again even if it was just for a short time. Because of that, I was able to find some strength to continue fighting.