Scared

I haven't been active here for a few days. It was because I am having a self crisis this past few days.

I have been drowning in paranoia for the past few days.

I am not feeling well since last week. I always feel tired even if I am not doing anything at home. I feel like vomiting though nothing comes out. I have to take some menthol candies to soothe the feeling. I don't have any appetite too. I'll just have a few spoonful of my food and I feel full already. I am not my usual self. I can't understand any of these. I am not happy with what I am in.

Since it's hard to visit any hospitals due to the pandemic, I tried searching over the internet about how I feel hoping to find some remedies.

I was caught off guard when the search results shows about pregnancy. That's when I remembered to check my period tracker. Bingo! I was 13 days late for my period. That's when I started getting paranoid. It makes me scared as hell.

My sister-in-law has some home pregnancy test kit in store at home. She lend me one and it turned out negative. I felt relieved but a few moments later when I was avoyt to dispose the packaging and all, I noticed that the expiration date has passed. It was dated in may.

We are in tough times right now. I am jobless. My partner is a good guy. He is responsible and all and I know he would make a good father if ever but he is showing signs that he don't like having kids yet. That's because of his mom giving him too much pressure on him regarding his financial stability, knowing that he was not able to finish schooling because of "younger days foolishness" if you know what I mean...

I don't want to be a mother yet. I feel like I am not fully ready. I am not good in housekeeping. I am not a good cook. I don't have a job. I am not a wife material. At lesst not yet.

I am afraid to go to the hospitals due to the curent situation in our country. I don't feel like going out. I'm scared. I'm also scared of what people might say. We are not yet married but tgis happened. My partner came from a religious family and I am scared to face them if ever.

Right now, I am so scared. I was secretly hoping that I am not pregnant. That this is only a pregnancy scare. That I am just overthinking. My partner and I decided to go for a check up tomorrow to confirm what reallt is the case.

I just wrote this to burst out how I feel. I can't take it anymore. It's giving me long sleepless nights. Sorry for being so dramatic. I know it's partly my fault and many would judge me. I know I should be responsible. Please bear with my emotionally weak personality.