I am not Free

Freedom is Freedom not.

I recollect these words when I asked their importance to my father a very long time ago. That was the point at which he was as yet alive. It was our homework in 4th grade in school. "Freedom is Freedom not" . At the point when I let him explained it, he disclosed to me that yes FREEDOM is the capacity where you can do what you like to do unreservedly. We all know that, however, it has further significance one should consider that Freedom doesn't mean we can do all that we wanted.

How about we see, for instance, we are allowed to live however we are not allowed to have food sources without applying exertion and sweat. We are free however we are not permitted to take food from others or steal them.

We are allowed to love however we are not permitted to adore somebody that has a place with another person or owned by someone else.

We are allowed to have anything we need yet we are not permitted to get whatever we want with another owner has it except if you have its authorization or else use force to have it which isn't right. Or you need permission first before acquiring it.

One thing, father referred something which made me nearly burst out my hidden feeling when he disclosed to me that children were the most fortunate individual on the planet. They don't have the foggiest idea of what the world is languishing. They don't have the foggiest idea of what is dread, they don't have a clue what our world is facing and what are its problems or what is being implied by wars. They only knew rest, eat and play. They are brimming with honesty that other individuals wished to turn into a child again to escape the real world we are living right now.

Those are the examples I gained from my late dad. Presently it runs back to my psyche however I failed to remember different examples he gave but he always reminded me, freedom is freedom not in any way.

My point is, he has no clue about what his little girl is experiencing being bound in his own home without him knowing. That I am as yet a youngster who wished to have independence from his wife's iron-grasp hands that choked me out the moment I gained knowledge about freedom.

A house is where you needed to return to in any event, even when you are in a distant location. It is so great to remain at home particularly on occasions when you are stressed and down. There's a family that you yearned to be with when you are away from home. But...it doesn't apply in my situation.

I was a victim of child abuse.I am not free as achild should be. This term I haven't known during my youth. I was restricted in a house loaded with fear. A house you won't ever envision returning to when you are away. A house I can never call home.

I always fear committing mistakes that in everything I do, I am not confident if I did it right. My stepmother is a very strict person and a perfectionist as well. Whenever I commit mistakes, I expect punishment from her. Her character tainted my innocence that I never enjoyed my childhood. I can't play outside because she doesn't want my clothes to get soiled. So when I am in school, I spent my time playing after school to the fullest that I forgot I have a terror tiger at home.

Before returning home, I would check my uniform first for dirt and would wet my handkerchief and request a schoolmate to wipe it out for me. I washed my face to wipe away hints of sweat from my past brief satisfaction. My stepmom doesn't want any children in the house as well, so at whatever point some neighbours needed to play with me, she would shoo them away and disclosed to them I am busy studying or I am having a nap when in fact, she would let me pull her white hairs until she slept off. I, on the other hand, would curl in the corner of our room or find old papers and would fulfil myself in reading, drawing or jotting something on void pages with overwhelming sadness yearning to be outside.

My fear took my full confidence. During the main quarter in school. I need to manage heaps of pushing from my friends and instructor before I can stand up my thought. That was during my 1st grade. I never experienced being in preschool or kindergarten because my stepmom wouldn't consent to certain prerequisites required for a preschooler. Luckily, the school was not strict before. You can enter elementary 1st grade without requiring the pre-schooler stage. My adviser saw that I am a timid child yet I can do well scholastically. Quarterly the teachers give feedbacks to guardians and as one of her observation and told my stepmom regarding me being a bashful one which she doesn't realize she has done a wrong move!. After stepmom was summoned to our school and was disclosed to I had brains and would dominate in class if just I would partake in oral exercises. After a break, stepmom cornered me in our comfortable room and pinched me on hidden parts of my body. I cried quietly so as not to catch attention and would make her mad even more. She cautioned me that I am expecting punishment when I get back home. Do you think a kid wanted to return home after that? I didn't want the class to end after the conversation. When the class resumed, the possibility of returning home hinder me and would make butterflies in my stomach that I wanted to melt and disappear so that I won't be facing terrible and painful punishment at home.

There were times that I wet in bed around evening time at an age where most children don't. I understood nowadays that it was the reason for outrageous fear as a youngster that even in dreams I dreamed of committing mistakes and being punished for it. Yes, it became my nightmare. And it added fire to my stepmoms hatred over me. No matter how I tried not to wet, it seems I was played by an invisible demon that I always happen to test my stepmom's anger.

At the point when I grew up as a teenager, I generally envisioned carrying on with a day to day existence where nobody will order me to do what I ought to do. I wanted to live alone and nobody would command me to get up right on time, no obligations, no issues, fears and so on. That is a product of a simple youngster's minds as it were. The reason? This is because I didn't make the most of my youth so I am wanting a fresher climate and another sort of life. Never did I understand what lies ahead.I am looking for freedom.

In the current circumstance, I have come to understand a lot of things. Even though there was nobody to command me to get up ahead of schedule, I am obliged to do it. Being in bed for a long time would make my kids cry for there was no food being ready, or husband would missed breakfast or coffee before starting for work. I must take care of them. In any case, the duty I know would carry happiness to my family. I was fastened to that obligation however I am happily doing it and there's no fear in doing my tasks.

I realize that there's this one thing that gives me a cutoff in doing what I wanted today. I'm married. I am not still free. This keeps me from doing the standard thing that I used to do when I am single. I have kids who need my consideration instead of other stuff. In times that I needed to purchase something for myself, I need to think about my children first. In all that I do, I generally consider them first. This is the sort of loss of freedom that attaches a wedded individual to an obligation.

Well, as for your info, I married not with love but by rebellion and temporary freedom from my foster parent's eyes and longing to gain freedom. That was the time when they brought me back in our hometown to my paternal grandma's house and they left me in her custody. They stayed far from me for the first time in my whole life. All those time, I thought I can now do everything I want but unfortunately, grandma is strict too. 😅What a bad luck. She doesn't want me to go out with my classmates at night especially when we have group works, she believed we are all telling lies😁.

Then, at that point, I found a friend, a man I found to recount my accounts. We have a similar fate, he was additionally had a troublesome father. I never figured he would turn into becoming my husband since I just considered him as a brother not until I was being suspected of having an unsanctioned romance with him and did the "couples thing" when in fact I was with him for close to 1 year and we didn't take part in that personal business. Until I lost in an idea where getting married would liberate me from under the psychological warfare of my guardians. I didn't realize I was wrong rather it would attach me to a more noteworthy obligation forever.

So to all singles in here be careful in finding your partners for life. Choose the one who fears God and would respect your parents and treat them as their own aside from the mans' financial stability. Don't follow the path I took that I mistook freedom as an opportunity to get free of a previous calvary and treated rebellion as a friend.

Concerning me, however, I was adhered to an unexpected duty and lost my freedom, still, I held fast, and tried to be the best spouse and mother to my children and learned to love everything. It made everything easier because the more I resist and cry over the failure I made, it makes everything more difficult.

Happy Independence day everyone!

06_12_21

>Xzeon<