Totoo pala talaga yung kasabihan na It's Not Always Rainbows And Butterflies. There's this one visitor of mine whom I don't want to visit me anymore, I'm so tired of it. Why? Because it takes away my joy and energy. It always brings a heavy feeling that I cannot explain.
I am talking about my mental health. I hate this visitor! One moment I'm happy and then in just a snap of my fingers, I will start to have a heavy feeling inside of me. Para bang flesh-eating bacteria na paunti-unti akong kinakain sa loob hanggang manghina ako. Nakakapagod na rin.
This heavy feeling always pays a visit when everything in my life is doing perfectly fine. I don't know but I feel scared now whenever everything in my life is doing good. I feel traumatized.
It sucks because I can't do anything when it visits me. My jolly personality will eventually fade and I can't function well. I would just lay in bed and do nothing, sometimes I try to sleep but I just can't. I can't even finish watching an episode of The Good Doctor earlier.
I don't want to think that I have depression because I am not a psychologist and self-diagnosing will just lead to more complications. All I know is that I am helpless. I wanted to scream and cry myself to sleep but for some reason, I can't do it.
There are things that I do to cope up with this feeling. I talk to my little cousin and ask her to give me a hug, pet my cat, not using my phone, go to the garden, and etc. If there's one precious thing that I don't want to be broken/ ruined/ at risk, it would be my mental health. I'll do everything just to protect it.
Everyone is not going to understand what I am feeling and it's okay. I don't seek sympathy from you guys, I just want to share this because this is my reality. That my life is not perfect at all.
Maybe some of you will say that I should talk to my parents about this, I can't and it's not easy. They will not understand. I don't want to hear the phrases, "Nag-aaral ka lang naman tas ganiyan nararamdaman mo" or "Nag iinarte ka lang". It's difficult for them to understand because they are born into a different generation. They wouldn't understand that there are a lot more stressors today than before.
One thing I always tell myself is that my feelings are valid. I am valid. I just didn't make these things up on my mind because who would want to? The right thing to do is to deal with this and not try to get away or ignore this.
I will get over this. My mental health might be fvcked up as of the moment but I will come back as a much stronger person.
Author's Note.
I know that all of us have our own battles that we deal with on our own. Hang in there! You'll get through your silent battles!
If you need mental health consultation/check-up, you can use the code KMDKYLIE on Konsulta.md app for free mental health counseling. You can also follow Mental Health Matters PH to which Kylie Versosa founded for your daily reminders that you are valid.
Thank you for reading this! I wish you all the best!
P.S. I know that is too personal to share but I am already considering this platform as my journal.
If you have time, you can also read my previous articles:
I can't say anything but lemme just give you a virtual hugggggg.
Totoo din naman na marami sa atin ang natatakot or ayaw magsabi sa mga parent ng nararandaman or pinagdaraanan natin kasi napapangunahan tayo ng kung anu-ano lalo na kung mula't-sapul ay ganoon naman na nangyayari. Imbes na macomfort tayo is mas lumalala pa dahil sa mga words na nabibitawan nila. I don't know that feeling actualy kasi lumaki kaming magkakapatid na may paki sa amin parents namin. I know naman na may paki lahat ng parents sa mga anak pero iba-ibang ways lang talagaaaa. Pero smile ka na, sisssss! :) Nandito naman kami eh. Willing kami na pakinggan ka. Smile na, okay? Baka kasi nakangiti ka pero malungkot ka naman within. <3