Protective or Paranoid: How do your children interact with adults?

Guys, recently, a home made video of North West, the eldest daughter of American media personality and socialite Kim Kardashian and rapper Kanye West, was circulated on social media, featuring the young West sitting on the lap of her mother's love interest, comedian Pete Davidson, as they drove around in a gated community.

The very short clip, which I can only assume might have been intended to showcase the comedian's growing closeness to the Kardashian clan, had a completely different effect in some quarters as it sparked outrage among viewers who questioned whether it was appropriate to let an eight year old girl sit on the lap of a man who was not her father.

Now guys, as a parent, I understand how difficult it can be to raise children and to make decisions for them which are then scrutinized and torn apart by outsiders who do not have all the facts. I think every parent can relate to this. In addition, I think that when you are a celebrity raising children in the public eye, there are so many more people with direct access to your lives and so many more opinions that you'd have to weather.

Today, I am not here to speak on the video. I do not know what factors led up to the clip and I cannot comment on the moral character of any of the individuals in this story.

The situation, however, raises another question for mothers in particular, parents in general, about the boundaries you set for your children. And this is the question that I'd like to address today: When it comes to your children, boys and girls, and the way they engage with adults, what are your limitations?

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It's a jungle out there

Friends, when I was about eight or nine years old growing up, there was a tale that I overheard whispered among the adults in my community. It was the tale of a young girl, I believe she was 14 years old at the time, who had been preyed upon by an adult male, a relative and authority figure in her life that she should have been able to trust.

It was a painful story, and I remember the adult women in my community clustering in little groups, holding their hands over their mouths and whispering while, as children, we tried to edge closer and closer to hear what they were saying.

One day I heard my mom say to a friend that the incident involving the girl was more than just abuse, it was at the core, a betrayal of sacred trust. And she asked, if a girl can't trust the adults in her life, who can she trust? There was no answer.

It's not just stranger danger

Now guys, until this incident, my mom and I had a routine we followed where she sought to equip me to face the world. For example, every morning before I left for school, she would repeat: "Do not accept sweets from strangers. Do not get into a car with strangers. Do not speak to strangers." After the incident, however, everything changed, and even though I was not directly party to the other girl's abuse, my trust in the world was shattered.

The tales of predators lurking in our midst are not new neither are they restricted to tiny pockets of society. These tales are universal, though, until recent years, many perpetrators enjoyed relative privacy because some communities, wanting to cover the stain of predatory abuse, would cover up the sin or turn a blind eye. It was like there was a shared shame that everyone felt compelled to hide and this might partly be because of the closeness of the predators and the guilt that many adults felt because the act or acts occurred on their watch.

Predators should not be protected

This is one of the advantages of advances in media and technology shedding light on the common human experience, and highlighting the fact that, wherever we are in the world, many of our triumphs and challenges are the same.

Over the years, we learned that predators are a stain but they aren't a reflection on their communities, and they shouldn't be protected. Shoving their stories under the carpet, turning a blind eye, walking around tight lipped meant that these men and women now had access to even more vulnerable victims.

We learned that predators weren't always easily identifiable, openly vulgar, creepy looking men and women. They weren't always strangers. Many times, they were friends, relatives, the people we trust, people who were unassuming, helpful, seemingly reliable. They were very often the adults we least expected. And so, with this increased awareness, as parents and adults, we were tasked with the responsibility of helping children to understand that wolves may be lurking even among the people they knew and respected.

No gender limitations

A predator can be male or female and the prey can be a little girl or a boy. There's no gender limitations on this.

In fact, some years ago when I was just becoming an adult, I heard the story of a little boy raised by a poor family and who'd been taken under the wing of a generous benefactor and given the best education.

On the day that he died, this little boy had been taken by his benefactor to the birthday party of one of his classmates. He went missing at the party and wasn't discovered until the next day, when it was too late. An autopsy was conducted and, to put it simply, it was discovered that while he lived, the boy had been exposed to activity well beyond his years.

Some Codes I Live By

And so, my friends, I don't have daughters, I have sons, and I am very protective of them.

I understand that it is my responsibility to raise my sons to be alert without being paranoid.

These are some of the codes I live by:

1. Be as vigilant as you can be. Be very involved in your children's lives. Sometimes, as a parent, it can be overwhelming and you'd be grateful for help from others offering to take the weight off your shoulders. Remember, even in situations where you rely on support from others, you must always be vigilant and keep abreast of developments in your child's life.

2. Have frank and open conversations with your children. Speak to your children about appropriate and inappropriate behaviour when interacting with adult strangers and the people they know. Let them know what grooming looks like. Describe for your children what the rules of engagement are.

3. Your children should know that they are not responsible for the sins of any adult. Sometimes children look at the closeness of the predator to the family and they may fear that they will not be believed or that they will be held responsible for the inevitable fallout if they came clean. A child should not have to bear the burden of feeling like they have to protect a predator or keep their secrets.

4. Keep an open door. Let your children know that they can come to you with anything and that they won't be punished, you will protect them.

5. Listen. Listen. Listen. As parents, we have to be intuitive and listen to what our children say. Some children will say things outright, some children send us hints. This comes back to vigilance. We have to be in tune with the cues our children are sending.

And listen, even when we do all this, there will, unfortunately, be cases that slip through the cracks. Still, we cannot throw caution to the wind. Our children deserve to be protected.

And so, my friends, I am hoping that this story can begin a thread where, as parents, wherever we are in the world, we can come together and share advice with each other on this important topic. So tell me, what is the advice that you would give to your kids or to other parents when it comes to looking out for predators? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Have a great day, everyone.