I have died

Did you ever feel that you have died from inside out? What's the reason? And how did you overcome it? Today's article is about my demotivation that cause me feeling that I have died already.

To my supporters and to my sponsors. I thank you a thousand times for everything. I am grateful and words are not enough to express them. Thank you so much. God bless y'all.

Hi everyone. It's me again grace, writing another article about me feeling demotivated. I know it's not just today that I write one but I knew to myself as well that after this demotivation is a strong comeback. So, allow me to feel what's inside me then. I know as well some of you can relate to me, so bare with me folks.

It's been weeks since I feel that some part of me have died and it just radiate from inside out. Me feeling so drain because of demotivation means me on the bed all day. It did not just happened without any reason, it has deep reason, yes. I would share this to you, I won't hesitate a single thing about it since I decided to open it to you so why hesitate now. Actually, it's because of family not supporting my decision. It's a decision for the family not mine. I know it's complicated and I couldn't accomplished it with just me alone so I definitely needed a helping hand. But to my surprise they put me down and so, my motivation, my positive energy got all drained.

I know I had my parents for some reasons and part of it is to guide my decision making. And I knew to myself that not all my decision is right. I accepted that. But to know that every single decision for the good of the family wasn't supported was the turning point. I now don't have the energy to continue moving forward. That feeling that I study hard for the family, graduated for the family, work hard for the family and do everything I can for the family. Men, I ain't living myself. I am living for the family. And when family turned you down, which is the only reason you are living and having the motivation of everything you do, is a death sentence.

I felt I have died.

I don't know. I felt all my energy drained. I felt, I don't have the energy to continue living because my life had ended. The life that I am only living is because of the family. But then they snatch that out from me. So, I have died. I am present and aware. Very much aware of everything that is happening. I want to be of used but I don't have the energy anymore to work and be of good use.

I think I am paralyzed.

Now that my life had ended. I'm currently living like dead. Sleep, wake up, eat, sleep, wake up, eat and then sleep. That's how am I doing for the past few days. I want to move and help out but every energy left out from me. I don't know when and how it would be back. I just hope and pray it would. I would love to.

I know that I would overcome this death if I will rise and live for myself. Do everything for myself. I know I lost a lot. Tears and dreams but I know it happened for reason. Maybe just maybe in this way, very painful way I could throughly live for myself. Even though it means dying. Hurting. No, the right term is aching. The pain that pass through more than the heart but to the soul as well.

To myself,

Please be brave. Please pray. God is with you. Never afraid to rise again this time for yourself. Love yourself. Do what makes you happy. This state of you right now is a reminder of your promise to yourself. That this year will be yours, your happiness, your dreams. I love you. Tears may flow but never forget that some flowers need to die in order to bloom again. Aja!

That would be all for today folks. I thank you always for your time. God bless.

Lead image from Unsplash