Her sacrifices

Seeing my Father last night in his weak and devastated self makes my heart in pain, but seeing Mother begging him to stop is so much painful.

Mom is in her early 60's now. She is bond in this family for thirty-two years. It is quite a long years, and she is suffering for almost all years of her marriage. When father start his vices, she suffered so much. She keeps herself awake just to wait her husband to come home. There are times that no husband comes home inspite of long sleepless hours. Some other time she would take the dark path of the night to find and pick her husband. Whenever at home, tired and worn out from the morning chores, taking care of kids, and all her responsibility as a mother, she would make sure to clean him, feed him and put him on bed. Mostly with very long painful process of begging to stop breaking the things around or punching and kicking the wall. She feel so ashamed of the neighbors that were disturbed because of it. There's night that I hear her crying, there are days that I felt her range of anger.

She couldn't blame anyone for the life she had. Because this is the life she chose. She could have just walk or even run out from this but she couldn't. There are so many times she could turn her back from us but she couldn't. She couldn't left father, she couldn't left her children. She couldn't left the marriage that she sworned to God she will protect. She is so committed to the life she chose. She pour all her love to this family. All her sacrifices. She sacrifice herself for us. Just to give us a better life. Just to give us a whole family even full of chaos. She couldn't live life alone living us broken. She couldn't sleep at night thinking we are away from her. This is the life she chose to have. There is no turning back. Not before, not now.

How did I know that ?

Because she told me. Before father came home last night, she told me those things, right after I arrive home. She told me, where father was and that he wasn't home yet. I just answer her that it wasn't new and that if she is worried, she suppose to come and pick him or come with him in the first place because she knew what comes next. She knew that she will have a wasted and drunk husband to come home.

And she told me.

She told me all her pain. She told me that she is done doing that, and she is tired. She supposedly stop worrying and stop having drunkard husband now because she is already old and she is so tired of it. She is tired of it all. She asked me when it would end. Or does it end? Maybe it won't, because this is her life. She will suffer until she's alive.

I don't know mom. I can't answer you. I can only listen to your pain. If I could atleast have some of it I would. But I could do nothing more than making you feel that I am here for you willing to listen and comfort you.

I was so much in pain seeing her. She is right. She supposed to not experience this pain and agony anymore because she is old now. She supposed to be enjoying her old years.

"I'm sorry mom. I really am. Thank you for all the sacrifices you made for us. Thank you so much. I am thankful to God you give me a mother like you, such a strong, committed and passionate mother. I promise I will give you life you deserve to have."

Unspoken words from your daughter's heart who sees all your sacrifices.

Thank you for letting me unload this heart of mine here. I wasn't able to sleep because it is so heavy. But now it's a little light because I already poured all here. I hope I can still share to you. This is random and unplan but I need to write it for me to have strength to fight for today and continue to write the next days to come.

To you @Musso @JonicaBradley @gertu13 @Davinchysax @Jane who listen and gave me heart warming words of comfort and advice. I appreciate it so much.