Not every abusive relationship screams narcissism and while abuse is abuse, there is a difference when you are in a relationship with a narcissist or know someone who you believe is.
Narcissists are often captivated by a person who has already had bad relationships in their past, abusive or not. They will be attracted to your generosity of affection and unconditional love in a relationship. And don't be fooled that a narcissist isn't capable of being make or female. While it is true that narcissism is often seen in males, females can also exhibit traits of the personality disorder.
One of the biggest indicators of a narcissist is knowing their past relationship history. Narcissists are not the type to leave a person just heartbroken in a relationship, they tend to destroy that person's life.
For those who have been in a narcissistic abusive relationship, you must understand that it isn't as simple as moving on and finding a healthy relationship in the months ahead. Those who have experienced an abusive relationship with a narcissist may never be able to move on.
This may seem frustrating to those who are on the outside looking in, but narcissists are good at acting and have no trouble getting inside their target's head. Once they have that person hooked, they will begin to show their true colors. It is a shock to their victims who believe in their hearts that they are somehow mistaken, that it isn't true, that they would never have been a victim of narcissism. It is that realization that destroys their trust in others.
Another sign of a narcissist is that they tend to stay friends with their exes who still have hope that they may change someday. The narcissist may even use their ex, making promises they don't intend to keep while they are in their current relationship. They may even continue having sexual relations with their exes, even after they have moved on to a new relationship. They have extreme difficulty being in just one faithful relationship because it would make them feel exposed and vulnerable.
If you suspect you may be in a relationship with a narcissist, you may recall one or more episodes where your partner stared back at you with a cold-empty look in their eyes after a conflict. You may even have felt a lack of compassion and were given the cold shoulder for days, possibly longer.
Another sign to Look for if you believe you are in a narcissistic relationship is whether or not you seem to be fighting for your partner's affection. Be on the lookout for an ex or so-called friend that they keep in close touch with. Most narcissists will keep their past relationships close and you may not even be aware of it. They may also flaunt their interests at you, making sure that you understand that others want them and then pass it off as no big deal.
Narcissists are also not good at apologizing for anything. In fact, they consider an apology as a sign of weakness and will rarely issue an apology unless it benefits them. And if you do receive an apology, chances are it won't feel sincere because it's not.
When you are in a relationship with a narcissist you may also start to notice that you have distance yourself from your friends and family, specifically those you are closest to. At first, you think you have just grown away from those around you and may even be encouraged to spend more time with your friends and family, but as soon as you do, your partner will make it known in small, but very noticeable ways that say wrong move!
Your narcissist partner may even go as far as encouraging time spent with others, only to make you feel you are in the wrong somehow for not being there for your friends and family more often. This is how your narcissistic partner makes sure that you are vulnerable and continue to depend on them.
In a way, being in a relationship with a narcissist is like a drug because you will find yourself so addicted that you will try almost anything to save your relationship with them and they know this.
Narcissists thrive on attention. They crave that energy and feed off of it. That attention is one of their most commonly known traits with the personality disorder. They hate being ignored and will do anything to make certain they are not, even if it means seeing them in a negative manner.
You will also find that they have selective memory and with any serious or even not so serious conversation they will give you one moment of your attention and may even acknowledge what you are telling them, but they will suddenly forget later that the conversation ever happened.
Being in a relationship with a narcissist may seem like one moment of pure unconditional love and the next straight-up misery as they push you away.
You may also find that they are being constantly caught in a lie. In fact, you may even start to realize that their entire life is made up of lies. Lies that are designed to attract attention and make themselves look perfect to those around them. They'll be secretive with their true life, even to those closest to them.
Another trait that may be a sign that you are in a narcissistic relationship is that they may accuse you of cheating on them, even though you are not and never would. One of the biggest reasons a narcissist will accuse their partner of cheating is because they are covering up their own guilt of not being faithful. Those accusations are their way of keeping you distracted from the real truth. But if you were to ever confront them, they will simply deny it and defend themselves, then turn that confrontation onto you.
They also will never make themselves vulnerable to any situation. They can't handle the idea of seeming weak and will do anything in their power to prevent it.
They are also quite good at playing the breakup game, and they'll do it on a regular basis. Their reasons for breaking up are usually outlandish and ridiculous. For example, they are breaking up with you because they didn't like that you visited your parents for a few hours last week while they were out at the bar with their friends. Yet even after they threaten their break up, chances are they'll come right back to you in less than a week or as quickly as a few hours. There is a purpose for their behavior, which is to leave you in an emotional state of confusion and allows them complete control of the relationship.
Another sign of being in a narcissistic abusive relationship is that your partner doesn't keep their promises. They are also not very good at keeping commitments. If they promised you they would go to that new Italian restaurant with you next week, chances are it's an empty promise and they will simply forget all about that obligation.
Don't think it's really an abusive relationship because you are with someone who is a narcissist? The sad truth is, narcissists are abusers yet their victims often don't see it as abuse because the narcissist has convinced them differently. In fact, Narcissists will go as far as convincing themselves and others that they are the victim so that they can continue doing what they do.
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, they will never see you as anything but prey. They also tend to seek out their prey, that is those who are already emotionally wounded from a previous relationship. They want someone loyal, dependent, and socially acceptable to make them look good, and you are that person. They know that you won't see through them immediately and you are controllable.
Even knowing the above information about narcissistic abuse, you may be wondering, is it possible for a narcissist to get help? In most cases, narcissism cannot be treated and a narcissist won't seek help.
You may also be wondering what causes narcissism. While there is no exact reason, some speculate through experience that narcissists may have had a traumatic childhood and suffered some form of abuse as a child. In some way, they may feel that they were betrayed as a child by someone such as a parent and have decided they don't need anyone ever again. They may believe that getting close to someone means eventually they will be hurt by them, so their need to fight back is the only way to stop those emotions.
Yet, it doesn't stop with narcissists being abusive. Those who have been a victim of narcissistic abuse themselves, most likely have been abused in their own past. And while they may not be abusive themselves, they do tend to cling to the idea of loving and treating others unconditionally so that they don't leave the relationship.
One additional note, yes narcissists are abusive, but they are human beings. They have experienced hurt in their past and that hurt is the only thing they know. Unfortunately, this also means that those who are a victim of narcissistic abuse should not be in contact with the narcissist even if they believe their partner will change. A narcissist will always find some way to reel you back into their abusive ways.
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