Depression: The Rabbit Hole of Self Sabotage

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1 year ago

The concept of how we’re wired as being up to us is something I believe would be quite arguable. If our view of the universe is solely spawned from our perception; then isn’t it fair to say that how we eventually handle the world is not on us? He we let it affect us, how we turn out as a result, the events that wire us thus. Isn’t it safe to presume that these are happenstance beyond our influence? 

Perception is the spice of life; that’s for sure. The theory of relativity also makes the world go round.

Isn’t how we see the world subject to what the world chooses to let us see? The experiences that get chucked our way.

A drunk and abusive father would go on to create a broken child that will harbor feelings of guilt, pain and regret. Was it their fault that the dad turned out that way? Is it something they did? Would they ever be good enough for anyone? Would they turn out to be a good father and mother?

They’ve known nothing but hatred so how can they give love are some of the recurring thoughts that would plague them. 

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How they’re wired is totally not up to them. Life dealt them different cards and by default, they become subservient to the hand they were dealt. 

It drives them, plagues them for as long as they let it.

Should love ever come, would they accept it?

Personally, I think they would be trapped in a whirlpool of self sabotage, never truly believing they deserve that love. 

Its almost tragic how the world works. 

I’m not entirely pessimistic but the universe is one scary bedtime story. 

How spring time, full of life doesn’t last and the fall comes. How the brightest, most beautiful stars eventually dies out.

How it deals the most brilliant minds with the poorest of cards. 

But then you see a rainbow and you have hope. How life thrives regardless. The resilience of nature, its biggest threat, humanity. How we somewhat coexist, in spite of the madness.

To say we understand life is bogus. A farce that can never truly be backed up. Only thing we can do is perceive the world from our neighbour’s eyes and try fix it; starting with us.

If I love you as I do me, I wouldn’t hurt you right? Maybe this is a rule that just might save us all.

Depression in itself aside from how it makes you feel is cruel. It’s almost methodological and sentient that if you didn’t feel that, you’d be impressed. The mechanics of it all is diabolical to say the least. This is probably the weirdest take on depression you must have read; I know. 

If you count the mental choke hold it wraps around your mind or the constant barrage of self imploding thoughts. What really does you in the most is how baffling it seems that no one notices.

How easy it is to hide it with a fake smile, a quick, 'I’m fine, you?' whenever someone asks. Surely, you’re not that good of an actor, you’d think. So, why are your silent cries going unnoticed?

Sure, some ten percent of the time, you’re found out by friends and loved ones that really know you in and out, but ninety percent of the time? 

Let’s just say depression should also be referred to as a silent assassin. If that isn’t what it is, I don’t know what else.

Recently, I saw a YouTube video that made me really think. The video was about how an actress in 2013/2016 movie, Now You See Me almost drowned while playing her part. The scene involved her being chained to the floor of a shark with the water filled to the brim. 

Now, the part where she gets to struggle for her life while she was drowning was supposed to be acting. Here’s the twist. She actually was drowning and writhing under water as the air gradually depleted from her lungs. The producers and the camera men were so surprised that the acting looked real. It was for her. She recounts how she almost drowned to death and all the while, the whole crew were impressed with her fabulous acting. 

Depression feels that way, really. You’re drowning but everyone thinks you’re good because why not. Why wouldn’t you be good? But your mind is trapped in a loop of shame and despair if you’re lucky.

When you’re not; you usually can’t place your finger on why you feel like horse droppings. Shame that no one listens. Shame that the world is wired that way. A carefully concocted ruse where we all chant 'boss, chairman' in the end to crown it all, plastering fake smiles and well rehearsed lines.


You see, I’ve heard so much about the light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve caught a glimpse a few times but I don’t know if I can promise that it’s really there. I don’t know if it will get better but everyday is a gift. We have so little control over the vast extent of what this world throws at us. The little we can do is handle how it affects us. The hard times will come, almost last for long even. But nothing lasts forever and even the brightest stars eventually go out.

I know this is a weird thing to say as a final note when cheering us all up but poetic justice and what not. Go out there and break a leg giving it your best everyday.

All images sourced from Pixabay

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Avatar for Stefthewordsmith
1 year ago