The title and lead image itself tells everything about me. Yes, I am lost of who I am but I don't know who really I am. Sounds confusing, right? So, Let me speak to you my story.
Hi! I'm ShyLavender, just my username here. I am 21 years old and living in Philippines. I only finished 1st year college in a course of BS Accountancy, due to financial and family problem. I am on broken family because my mom and dad aren't married and decided to separate ways, I have 4 siblings; 2 sisters, 1 brother, and 1 little brother meaning, I am the 4th child. I'm kinda smart according to my friends or ex classmates, like to solve mathematical computations and present an academical report or performance. I am into writing poems and short stories, editing photos and videos, designing, creating miniatures and DIYs, loves white shoes and shirts colored black, white, gray, army green, maroon, and dark blue. I like reading love even tragedy and sad stories, like being simple and appreciative.
I am happy when I help other people, advising or motivating them is also my thing. I make people laugh, jokes a lot, surprise them, accompany them and so on so forth. In short, I am with them right away whenever they need me. I am one call away, speak to them when they need someone to talk to and comfort them when they are not okay. It's like I am special to them for being the first one they will think of to call or talk and share what's on their minds. I am happy whenever I thought that they trusted me with their personal issues in life and I appreciated then when they told me that I am great in advising or motivating them without any judgement. I am always their shoulder to cry on, but when it's me who needs encouragement or listener from them, no one comes up.
You read that right! Even I have friends, it always seems and feels like I am alone, that I only have myself. The feeling of they don't treat me right the way I treated them. They are my friends but I am look like not their friends. No one is there to help me if I needed, I have no shoulders to cry on when situation is difficult. I don't have someone to talk to when I need to vent out. Literally no one. The reason? Ofcourse they are busy with their own lives. Spending a lot of time in studies, business, family issues, some priorities and some friends.
Even my family. I don't know how to share about them because I don't want them to be bad in the eyes of people. But to make it short, they are the first reason why I don't know myself anymore.
Do you have any experience of staying outside at night lonely and just keep looking to the moon? And somehow asked yourself "Why is it happening to me? Why they left me like this? Why me?" Because I am.
I asked myself multiple of times with that questions in my mind while crying it all out. I am even confused about my worth, my purpose, my whole life. I never stop asking until it ends up overthinking. I discouraged myself, I blamed myself, I am disappointed and disgusted with myself, I am mad to who I am and I hated my existence. Everything started to fail when I stopped studying to save something I didn't mess up. All I am doing is to let my tears drop every night with the thinking of I am a failure and my whole life is a failure. I lost myself because of what happened after dropping out school.
"You're nothing, you can't even prove yourself because you haven't achieve anything", that's what they always threw to me whenever I corrected them with the things about me that they thought wrong. It's because that I am not a degree holder and doesn't have any job, I am useless. I am worthless. I am nothing but a trash where no one can be proud of me.
I am lost but who really am I? You see, even I was confused. Is it I don't know myself because I am lost? Or I lost myself because in the first place I don't know who I am? Whatever the answer maybe, the one thing I am sure of, is that: I am tired to wake up in the same morning and same society. I am exhausted finding myself in the woods of judgements and failures. I am raising the white flag because my strength is not enough anymore to be who I am and to fight for what I am. I'm just waiting my time to be gone in this world of hopelessness and sorrow. I can't spend another breathe to look for my happiness that never been existed. They told everyone that "no man is an island" but they always left a man lonely.
Thank you for reading! I just wrote what I'm feeling. Hope this will be serve as a sign to fight more in life and be thankful for what you have. Have a great day ahead!
Good job on your first article! Keep it up!