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I have been asking the same question over and over again but I can't seem to find the answer. A question that keeps on bothering me every single day. It gets even more intense whenever I close my eyes to sleep.
But what makes me really wander is that why am I even asking myself this question? Is this a psychological thing? I don't know!
To those who are not subscribed to me on noise.cash, you might not have seen how dramatic I was this past few days. Yes! I was so dramatic and emotionally unstable. If you'll ask me, I won't blame you if you have already blocked me on the site. I was giving out negative energy which is not my attention. I don't have anyone to tell all my problems so I used noise as my medium to voice out what I feel. It actually made me feel better afterwards although I also realized the negative impact it caused other users who might have seen those posts. And with that, I apologize.
Upon writing this article, I actually tried to assess my situation and have some theories on why I keep on asking myself the question "What am I doing with my life?"
Pride and ego
I was so thankful that I was able to graduate college. I took up Bachelor of Science in Business Administration major in Business Management. By far, this is the greatest achievement of my life. An achievement that I expected to help me rise up and improve my way of living. But, I was so wrong.
Just thinking the fact that I was a graduate and not having a stable job really hurts my ego and pride. I always see my college batch mates working in big companies and having their own businesses while I am here working a 3PM to 12AM job. A job that can't even support myself.
Who doesn't get stress? Can you please switch position with me even just for one day? I just want to feel the feeling of being carefree and selfless.
Going home at 12 midnight is just so hard. There is no public transportation during this time so what other way can I use to go home? A taxi. A mean of transportation that cost me 150PHP or 3 dollars just to go home. You might think that this is just small amount of money but not to me. Not to someone who needs to work 2 jobs and 3 sidelines just to provide for the family. 3 dollars is almost a third of my daily salary.
Utilities, rent, food, transportation, and clothing. This is just some of the things where I spend my salary on. These are basic needs so I don't have a choice but to buy them. If I can live by not having any of those, I will not spend a dime on them.
I don't really know, its just a theory, but if someone is in need financially, more often than not, they cannot think clearly and has a cloud judgement. I think that is exactly what I am experiencing right now. I tend to overthink a lot of times and decide carelessly. This is not even supposed to be happening.
Or maybe.. I am just going crazy! I won't be shock if this will be true because its not far from happening. I actually read an article where one cause of people going crazy is because of problems. Problems! And I have a lot of it.
Although, I wish that this is not the reason of why I keep on asking myself:
What am I doing with my life?
You might think that I am over dramatic and too emotional. Its okay. That is your opinion and I respect it a lot. I also know that there are more people out there who are in a more difficult situation right now. But this is a struggle of mine. A struggle that I hope no one in this world should ever experience again.