It hurts...

I never felt not okay for not having everything that I wanted. It's always fine for me. If I can't have it then I'll earn those so I can have those things I want someday. It was like that...not until I met him. It hurts so much for not having him mine...specially when we already had us.

Even if it's being the favorite child, favorite friend, favorite student... I never felt hurt being not the favorite one. I never wanted anyone to treat me special...just from him. Just with him I wanted to be just a heartbeat away.

All I want is to be loved and treated right consistently. All I want is an imperfect love yet keeps thriving for development, taking both of our time. Little by little we grow.

I thought that if I did my best to fix every flaws of mine that will harm him, if I kept this pure intention I have, the same excitement for his presence, treating him with the best of my capabilities...I thought that if I genuinely love and choose him...I thought we wouldn't lose everything. I was wrong.

I kept being patient but nothing happened. I got trapped with endless draining cycle and by then I did wonder... if love fits then why does it feel that I'm too hard to love?

I did not made him my world but I treated him my haven and home and made sure to offer the same. It was all useless. I never regret anything because I made sure to give my best...I did go beyond of beyond.

Countless chances. Countless forgiveness. Countless pains. Lifetime traumas.

I kept being pulled in yet at the same time pushed back.

I built my walls and cut everything off but just a simple glint of hope from him, with just his simple existence in my life keeps shaking me to the core. An unsure feeling that he radiates, synchronous feeling of comfort and icy distance. His mixed signals resulted from this mixed feelings I have. I don't know if he you should be the one that I should completely let go or be patient with. However I already know what I deserve. I already knew my worth. I know what is needed...it's just that it's all aching.

Him being both my poison and cure.

I never wanted to leave

I never wanted to make it seems like I don't care anymore

I never wanted anything of this

If only he can just be my home like how he promised...I want that moment. I kept on wanting him again and again. Even if not now, I want him to be mine some day.

But that's another stupid choice I have...

I should just keep bearing everything of this and act like I'm unbothered at all. If I can never moved on then I should just learn to live without him and be okay with that. There's nothing I can do anyway, I already did every part of mine that I can just to keep him mine...

it hurts that the very first one that I wanted in my life can't be mine anymore.

Author's Note: Story of my friend's neighbor.