The things that cross my mind at night, never do so during the day. The emotions that I feel at night, are even more so.
Somehow night makes me feel safe. I know it's contrary to the popular belief of 'what might be lurking around in the dark', but it's true. Nights do make me feel safe. I don't believe in ghosts, I don't believe in spirits only predatory animals and ill willed peopled.
So as long as I stay clear of these two things, I am good to go in any setting. Some time back when I used to go to central park for an evening walk, my most favorite part of the walk was in the zone where the light was usually off. Most days, if not all I would get to walk in the moonlight with just me and my thoughts.
Those were truly good times. The only thing that annoyed me at the time were the people who would have flash light on. They never gave night a chance. Never in my experience is it ever so dark at night that a normal person's visibility would go completely nil. Night blindness is a different thing.
I love to walk under the stars without the streetlights, I love to stargaze. It makes me feel so much at home.
I am not sure how but nights have the power to make me feel like I don't have to be anyone and anything anymore. Like I can be me and still be safe. No one would hurt me, no one would see me. Like I can finally let my hair loose take a deep breath and just be. No responsibilities, no civilized charades, nothing.
Lately things happened. And, most time during the day I don't even get to acknowledge that they happened. I just need to keep moving on, do office work, blog sometimes, household responsibilities, and socialize, because this is all expected of me.
So whether I want to do it or not is out of the question. So weirdly enough all the emotions that I usually set aside throughout the day, the ones that I don't have time to feel, come gushing back in the night. And, for no particular reason that I can pin point, I find myself sobbing. Feeling weak, feeling defeated. Doubting my abilities and wondering if I'll ever be able to perform the way I am expected to perform.
I don't say this for merely professional setting, but also for personal. If I'll ever be able to meet the responsibilities.
It's easy to write all these things in the CV. It's easy to claim that I can do anything that I set my mind to. But even the best of us have doubts. The only difference, that they don't let the doubts stop them or choose the easier route. They still think rationally, and lower the volume of all the negativity and sail through the storm.
I think most people who do like nights is because that is the time when no one sees them. That is the time when they are free from all the worldly judgement. No more being the best version of yourself. They are free to be the messiest version of their self. It's okay to want to crumble and fall sometimes.
It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to want to sob and cry like a child. Maturity is anyways overrated. I feel that nights are a safe space to do that. To just be you. To just feel what you feel. To take off the mask and to just be you.