You 'should' listen to what I am saying
You 'should' do as we say, we want you to be happy
You 'should' get a job
You 'should' have worked harder
You 'should' try to fit in
You 'should' keep your head down
And many many more shoulds....
All of us have heard these and many more through our lives.
I for one never understood why 'should' I do anything at all if I don't want to or if it doesn't make sense to me.
Just because somebody is telling me to do something, doesn't mean the end of the world. I have a brain of my own (also I know how to use it)
I am a human being too. For most part I was treated as the rebel. The one who doesn't listen, the one who always fights, the one who is impossible to deal with.
Most people around me, extended family included, wanted me to be like everyone else. The kind of person who nods yes to everything that an elder person says. Also, never cross questions.
Characteristics that are on the far side of the spectrum.
And no, I am not sorry for fighting to be me. Fighting to find my voice and have the chance to spread my wings to see the world with my own perspective. It wasn't easy.
I wanted to do it, to find my voice, but often I felt guilty and afraid. I was afraid of maybe making the wrong choices for me out of arrogance and proving them right. I was scared of loosing touch with my family on the way. I didn't know that I wasn't being arrogant, I was just trying to take a stand for what I wanted.
Not to harm anyone, or disobey anyone. Rather just to find me while having everyone on my side or atleast neutral side.
Call it generation difference, or difference in thoughts but it was very difficult to convince everyone. I still did what I wanted to do, but tried to balance it out by meeting some of their expectations too. Also, I kept my head down for the longest time trying not to be seen so I would not be seen as a rebel anymore.
Staying out of the spotlight.
It wasn't easy. Made me feel caged for the most part. Maybe I was meant to be in the spotlight? Who knows!
The balancing thing was actually a bit skewed with covering 'shoulds' for the most part and very little of what I wanted to do.
So I started listening to my heart. Learned yoga & meditation, reconnected with myself. Found a few ways to do the things that I wanted to do, even if they were far away from the list of 'shoulds'.
And honestly, I have never been happier.
I hope for you too, to find what you are looking for, and not just depend on the expectations.