TRAUMA

How’s life my lovelies? Is everything going smoothly? Hoping y’all doing well.

I’m writing this article because I was inspired by @Athaliah (The tattoo of fear and trauma) . You can check her article too, surely you learned something. But this is quite different.

Have you ever had a traumatic experience? Where you don’t want to feel it again nor think of it?

In my previous article I spilled some of the words about my father, wherein he used to drink alcohol. My traumatic experience started when I was kid, my father got home angry and would throw anything that’s in his way. He barely yelled at us though we didn’t do anything that would cause him to act like that. He also used our motorcycle to spin it all over the yard, and sometimes he would bring a hard metal, acting like he would be willing to kill anyone. Could you imagine how traumatic it is for us? The only thing we do is to cry because we can’t do anything to stop him. We plead to him to stop shouting, it’s past 1am and surely our neighbours are already sleeping. Even my mom cried and wanted him to stop but he just pushed her. For a young age we already experience this one. That’s why I can’t blame myself for having a hard feeling for my dad. He taught me to feel this way. The voice keeps ringing in my mind and I can't shrug it off. It keeps on waking me up early in the morning. It keeps flashing back. I thought this only existed in a movie but I got it all wrong.

Though my dad acted like that years ago, I still remember his sacrifice, especially when it’s raining that night and he has to carry the 3 of us just to reach the school neat and clean. He's barefooted and passed on a muddy and sticky road. I still remember how he took good care of us when mom is away. He will buy whatever we want especially when it comes to food. He never let us feel hungry. Sometimes my classmates would feel envious of how dad acts. He keeps on bringing us food (softdrinks & bread) when we’re at school. Every recess time or during our lunch time. He always visits us. He showed how he loved all of us. But when night comes, the opposite will happen. Just like how things instantly change.

I wish I had a time machine to turn back the time when things didn’t happen and I’ll surely pause it to stop where happiness only found. When things aren’t this traumatic, when love is the center not the alcohol. When a happy little girl is just a happy little girl. No less. But guess what, reality always snaps to wake me up in this cruel experience. Where it only “once upon a time”. Until lately, I don’t want any man to shout at me because when he does I always cry and I’m not shy to show it. It keeps on bringing me to my traumatic past experience. I don't even want to see anyone who’s drunk and throwing everything he sees. I still remember how things go and I don’t like this feeling. Does it mean I’m dwelling in the past? Am I stuck? I really don’t know.

Luckily, my father now doesn't act like he used to. Maybe he knows how wrong it is and maybe he’s aware that he's getting too old and if he’ll do the same then no one would be there to take good care of him. I still love and respect my father. He's still as important as my mom. But I can't deny that the scars remain and memories still hurt.

Before closing this I will give you a piece of advice, when you feel happy, always enjoy and treasure that moment because you don’t know what will come next.

See you until my next blog. Thank you for always reading my article. I really appreciate it❤️.

Lead image: FrontiersBlog

Check their article too it's worth to read ❤️