Aging Parents Can Be Life Altering

It is becoming a bit of a difficult time in my life. As my mother ages, there are things happening that suggests she may be suffering from either dementia or Alzheimer's. Things I have noticed for a while that my sister was not, at first, necessarily in agreement with that there was something going on.

Or she was in denial. In many ways, you could say the same of me. I didn't want to admit I saw anything.

We were noticing the typical things. Hallucinations, memory loss, confusion, making simple mistakes or becoming easily disoriented or lost, even in familiar places—for now she still drives.

The decision was made a few months ago that mom would move in with my sister and brother-in-law, and that move was made around the beginning of January.

It was the more practical place for her to go, simply because they were better equipped to accommodate her with what is essentially a full apartment in their basement complete with two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a laundry room, living areas and a full kitchen.

Already, less than a month in, it is obvious that things may not be going that well, and it has me more than a little bit worried.

Part of the problem is that we still do not have any definitive diagnosis of anything. My mom does have an appointment with her doctor on the 13th of February, which my sister will accompany her on, to talk with the doctor about the issues we have been noticing to see if we can get some answers.

I know I would certainly like to have a better understanding of what we are actually dealing with.

But who knows what it will be?

There are conversations already about the possibility of putting mom in a home. Something I am adamantly opposed to. But in part, my thinking about that is mostly because I feel it is too early to talk about it. To my mind, there has not been enough time to make an appropriate life adjustment from the decision that was made to have mom move in with my sister and brother-in-law.

In some ways I am thinking now, if I knew it was going to go this way so quickly, I may have considered a different plan than the one we wound up with.

Granted, it would have been considerably more difficult to have had mom move in with my wife and I. Our house situation is much different. But maybe it may turn out to have been a better idea?

I am not saying it would have been. I am not saying I don't feel much better knowing my mom is in a safe place surrounded by family that loves her and cares about her.

I am simply saying that I think it is way too early to talk about possibly sending her off so soon after the move, even though I also know full well that any decision of that sort would not be made lightly.

Nor without any further consult.

Watching our parents grow older is difficult enough. What makes it much harder is when you run into a situation where it seems like you are losing your parents right in front of you.

You want to take care of them. And you want to do that because of course, you love them. But there is also a balance between what's the right thing to do, what you want to do, and what's best for the person who needs the extra care and attention.

Yes. The decision to take in an aging parent can be considerably disruptive. There is no doubt about that. Lives are going to be changed.

Perhaps I am old school. Or I am crazy or even a little naive. But where my thoughts come from on the issue are derived from a simple personal belief that in life, sometimes you have to be willing to make certain sacrifices or compromises when someone you love needs you to be there for them.

You need to know things are going to be hard.

When I look back and think about the sacrifices my mother made raising my sister and I, especially after my father ran out on us, life got harder for her. It got quite a bit harder for her. Her entire life as she knew it was turned upside down.

She had to work long hours. She had to give up a lot of her social life.

She gave all of herself to us so that we could have a better life. She did not ask questions. She did not complain about the burdens we imposed on her simply by existing. We weren't just her kids. We were her purpose.

Parents, especially mothers, do not do these things because they necessarily perceive it as their duty. They do these things because that is what they must do.

In the situation with my mother, perhaps things would have been different had dad stuck around. He'd be the one applying the care. He'd be the one making the decisions.

But he left. And so now that responsibility rests on the shoulders of my sister and I. And it's tough to deal with for a lot of reasons. All of our lives have been changed. All of our priorities have been rearranged.

With my mother living with my sister now, that is truer for her than anyone. I do get that.

My sister and I disagree on what a reasonable thing to do about all of this potentially is. It's that home thing. And I know it has only been suggested. No one has made any decisions yet. It's just talk.

But why are we already talking about it now? And if we're talking about it now, just weeks into the new arrangements—it's more of a serious consideration than just talk.

It's more than just an idea. It's more than just a "what if" question. It's far from a "let's cross that bridge when we get to it" consideration.

In a way, while I understand that sometimes you just have to do what you have to do, and that is in the best interest of everyone—it's just hard for me.

Dad left. When he did, mom didn't just say "this is too much" and ditch us kids. She adjusted her entire life to our needs. Maybe it was not the ideal thing to have happened. But it is what happened, and it just had to be dealt with, no matter how difficult that thing became.

Mom did what she had to do regardless of the impact it had on her life.

Part of the thing for me is, I tend to think of nursing homes as a "throwing away" of the people we care about who become more difficult to deal with and care for. That's not to say that there may come a time when it is the only option.

Reality is what it is. Real.

When I was in pest control, I provided services for many such places. It was a horrible, nightmarish place to be. From the outside, looking in, if the term walking dead could ever be applied in the real world, a nursing home would fit that description perfectly.

To me they are not elderly care facilities so much as they are holding cells for people waiting to die.

I simply cannot bear that. I cannot imagine my mother ever being in such a place. It's damn difficult to even think about it. Because it just hurts beyond comprehension.

I can't bear the thought of her sitting there, wasting away, alone—cast off as a mere afterthought.

Even if the day comes that she doesn't even recognize us anymore.

Because it's your mom, you know. And you love her and care about her. And it's your sister and you love and care about her, and you want to understand things the way she understands them.

You want to be onboard, if you know what I mean.

And of course, I love and care about my wife too—and both her and my brother-in-law are thrust into the disruptions and decisions being made as well.

Any decision made for good, bad, or better will have an impact on everyone.

Whatever ultimately happens down the road, the last thing I want to consider is that a rift builds between my sister and I over it. These are not easy decisions to make, and talking about them, like I said before, are hard.

I have seen families literally torn apart during times like this. I have seen marriages crumble.

The most important thing right now will be to wait and see what the doctor says on the 13th. Then we can at least have a better understanding of what is happening and can come to better terms with what we do about it.

Ultimately, I want what is best for everyone, and that includes my mother. I am not a praying man, so all I can do is hope for the best possible solution and outcome. And I hope as well, that through the process, and whatever is decided, that we can push through and past our grievances and differences unscathed and whole.

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