It's Not Rehearsed.

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No pain cuts so deep as the one where you lose a loved one. You have memories flowing in your head all at once. You feel overwhelmed with the emotions and you get lost in the moment.

I visited a family many years ago that lost the head of their family; the father. It was a dull gathering with everyone trying to deal with the pain in the best way possible. We all have ways in which we deal with pains; some will retreat into a corner, some will sit down openly and cry silently while some would wail, some would prefer to go into their closet and weep silently while some would wail, and some would love to be distracted, trying to suppress the pain by doing something else. There is no easy way to deal with pain anyway. A lot of people try to deny the pain sometimes, they act like it wasn't there so they bury it with activities.

I walked in and I could see eyes that have been soaked in tears, with no end to the pain in sight. Their eyes gave way to the pain and it was obvious for all to see. They tried so much to push it aside with all of their might but the pain was so obvious to see. I lost words to comfort them but I try to remind them what it means to smile again. Maybe seeing me gave them hope because one of the children saw me, and hugged me. I understand that kind of hug...it's a deep one that tells me "I need your strength" - the kind of hug that took me back in time, a reminder of the battles I fought and overcame too. She hugged me so tight as if she was telling me, "Wow, so this was what you went through too?" Like she understood better.

She tried to see the positive side to it because she could see how strong I came out after losing both parents. She tried to console herself that she still has a mother, at least. I love that kind of thinking and energy. It makes it easier to deal with and it's not about hiding it but focusing on the blessing you still have left.

I remembered mine so vividly and the memories came back. The pain and aches I felt when dad passed away. The uncontrollable tears and screams I gave and the efforts of 3 people trying to keep me still but they failed at it. The strength I showed in keeping 3 people away from pinning me down was surprising. You never know your true strength until something that will bring it out happens.

When mum left too, I thought I could handle things better based on how I must have been used to dad’s demise, but no, I kind of lost it. I tried running after a car that was taking her to the clinic with my barefoot. Most people held me back thinking I have gone crazy and the more I tried explaining that I am fine, the more they think I was living in denial, so I just kept quiet, went back to the house and started crying. It was hard to explain myself without shoes and I pulled them off to make me catch up with the car because I wanted to be there but no...everyone thought I was losing it. I went upstairs, I just knelt and started praying with tears in my eyes but my spirit already told me she was gone.

When I went for my Uncle’s burial too, I seemed to be the only one crying during the wake keep. I practically cried all through but when it got to the internment, I just stood there without crying but rather comforting the wife and the children. We deal with pain differently and we show grief differently too.

When we see people trying to deal with pain the way they think best, the best we can do is to show support to them. Many would cry for days, some would cry for just a few hours, and some might even act strong but revert to their closet living in denial. There is no easy way to deal with grief. Stop trying to invalidate how others feel even if you don't understand. It's when you don't understand you should keep quiet and support instead. You can never know how deep the pain runs for someone who lost a friend, a brother, a sister, a mother, a father or a close family member.

Often I have seen those who say they can’t run but in the face of potential danger, they didn’t only run, but they fled. There is a level we would get to that only some situations can provoke. We never really know our true strength until life happens.

Just a few hours after people left when dad died and we were all alone in the house with some friends, my second brother tried to distract himself by playing Grand Theft Auto and I just stood there watching him while I was "gone". I was asking myself how he could even be playing a game at such a time but I later got to know that was his way of dealing with it so he won't break down. He needed a distraction and it doesn't mean he loved dad less. As I said, there is no easy way in dealing with pains as the pain goes deeper into your system, with tons of memories you have shared with that person flooding in.

Thank you for your time.

My pen doesn't bleed, it speaks. I am love's chemical content in human form and that's why I advise people to take a dose of "Olawalium" daily. 🙈

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