I was born in a part of Luzon, the place is called Las Piñas City.
I was an only child, on my parents ’side. But, on my father’s side, I have four siblings. Two women and two men. They are all married. On my mother's side, I also have two sisters and they are both married.
When I was young, I knew they would no longer accept me. The eldest on my father's side always told me that I was just an outsider, almost every day and I could hear them all without fail. She just needs to say that she just doesn't really accept me so that's how she is when it comes to me.
It's easy to read that they don't seem to like me.
When I was young I have so many experienced, I always asked God, why do I exist? What are the things I need to do in this world before disappearing? What were all my missions before I disappeared? I always ask myself things I know I shouldn’t.
Before I was born, Dad's first wife was dead, so he remarried. And his new wife was their former maid, my mother.
My sister said, "You're not part of the family, you shouldn't be here". When I was young I wished I had never lived and I wish I wasn't here, my life is too chaotic.
They always make me feel that I don't belong in the world and they always make me feel that I don't belong in our family.
When I was a child, my father and his eldest daughter quarreled because of the way she treated me, he said "She's just your daughter to that maid but you still side with her", when I hear that word I feel like I'm destroyed, and I hate myself even more.
Sometimes I ask myself a lot of questions, why am I going through such trials, and why I'm so young but I feel so much stressed and depressed.
In 2018, I tried to stab myself with a knife and I almost lost my sanity because of the problem and the contents of my mind.
I barely understood the world, I understood nothing of myself. I am also a human being, feeling tired and in need of rest. I don't want to be angry with my brothers and sisters just because of what they have experienced and made me feel, I still love them even though I am very miserable when it comes to them. Even if I turn the world upside down, they are still my blood relatives.
Even if I want to ask him why they are like that to me, I can't do anything, shoot them, and I'm the youngest, the worst is that I'm alone.
With so many questions in my mind, I only have one answer for myself, which is to just give in to the world. Don't just step back. I would rather fight even as much as I do not understand because, in our life here on earth, we will be defeated if we do not stand on our own two feet.
Every time my birthday came my family was never whole, we never had a party where they were all with me. When my birthday comes I want to feel and see us whole, I want to feel that they love me as a sister even if I am their half-sister. I want them to feel that I am very dear to them and that I am important to them at least once.
Every time my birthday comes, I hear nothing but they were asking me when I will be gone. The pain of hearing and hearing that term, especially when it comes directly from your brothers and sisters.
I also didn't want to be here in the world, I also didn't want to live. If they want me to die, I have long wanted to disappear from this world.
But it doesn't happen, when I try to commit suicide there is always something going on and it happens that I don't expect. It was as if something was stopping me from dying or disappearing.
Sometimes I am asked what those things are and why I am prevented from my plans to commit suicide.
Why it seems to stop the things I want to do to end my life. I was confused and everything was not clear to me.
I'm so tired of my life, if I don't have a family left I won't hesitate to finish everything I have. I'm really tired of all, I'm too tired to go on. Sometimes I ask myself what my life is really like in this world because I am already struggling.
My parents are old, my siblings also have their own families so I can't leave them either..
I hope it comes true, I hope my request is granted.
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By reading your story, i felt sadness in me. My heart belongs to you dear. Dont hesitate to ask help to others im sure there are still people whos willing to listen. I've been there having a suicidal thoughts but here i am continue fighting in life hope you too. Maybe God doesn't want you to end your life. Everything has a reason :) fighting dear.