We have a lot of problems where our minds can't cope up. A lot of things where we can't find peace, where we can't find the inner us, where we are unable to find what benefits us. We struggle, we fall, we cry, we give up, but the most important thing is we still choose to fight.

We fight covid, we fight the sickness that is in our lives. We fight together to the problems that we have in this life, but no matter how hard life is we still fighting and we know that we kept fighting.

How many times did you plan to give up?

How many times did you want to give everything up?

How many times did you wish for your death?

How many times did you wish not to struggle?

Each time we hear voices in our heads, we hear things that aren't supposed to hear, we hallucinate, we fought so hard, we try our best to be okay, we try everything to be good as it was. But no matter how we try, we all ended up being nothing and being not too well.

Sometimes, we think death is the answer.

• This is some, I always end up thinking this way. That maybe death will be the answer to how my struggles will end. I didn't think of any consequences that might be happened if I commit suicide, I didn't think of the things that might be happened if I end my life. They said death is the end. But no, death is the beginning of internal life.

"Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die. Do you believe this?"

– John 11:25-26

I still remember when my cell leader asked me if I believed that death is the end, and I told her no. Because even if we're all dead, our life is continuing but this time it was the internal life.

I plan to give up my life like 15x in a row.

• It's more than that, and yes. I tried to end up everything And I always ended up nothing. It's all failing whenever I try to commit something then there's something who's saving me too. I don't know if it was my guardian angel but maybe it was.

I learned this from 2021, 2021 is the year where everything was so challenging. I lot of problems occurred es, especially to with my family, they become more toxic, I underwent surgery, my father's bone cancer, my cousin died, Rusty's gone for many months, becomes a mess. This is the year where I'm telling myself that I want to give up, I want to end everything up and I want to end things that are connected to every part of my life.

The misunderstanding between me and my parents was really bad, I can't explain things to them because they are not listening. They don't believe me and all they do is believe what they see and what others say.

say January 22, 2021.

• I send money to my ex for her birthday. It was my last birthday gift since I want to finish everything between me and her. I've been in pain for too long since I met her. I didn't regret it, what I regret the most is I'm the one who gives support while all she does is drink and smoke. After sending ney to her, I blocked her at everything. I also regret cutting ting my sim card where she can contact me, lol. We broke up on Sept 28, 2018, but the communication continues until January 2021. I regret sending money to her, my parents didn't know that.

On February 12, 2021.

• I ended up everything to my 2nd ex. I only have 2 exes so it's okay 🤣. This time I have a schedule to my school to pay my tuition for the first year semester, I and I have the same department which is under CBM (College of Business Management). I saw her during that day and she came close to me, begging and asking for another chance. I just told her that I'm done and I don't want the same thing to happen again. I already had enough and I just hug her and say, "It's okay, you'll find someone better than me."

On February 14, 2021

• I met this person and became part of my life. She is the source of my happiness, and she is the source of my strength. I know her past is not okay, everything about her is not okay also. But I still love her and I still accepted whoever she is I don't base it on her outside appearance. She's the only one who observes everything about me even though we're LDR.

I've been single for almost 2 years, when she asked me if we're official, I'm still not sure if I'll answer yes or not. But, I don't feel anything. Like it was super light to my feelings, I don't feel anything like being scared, anxious..no, it eels like I know her for a long time. Maybe to my past life.

They said, all the people and person you met right now is connected to your past life and I hope so too.

On March 16, 2021

I was so lucky to have her. She pursued me to have my monthly check-up even though wala pa kaming 1 month. At first, I was shocked because my ex is not like that. I mean, I'm from a failed relationship and now I am in a healthy relationship. I'm not dreaming, aren't I?.

On June 9, 2021

• I undergo Hysterectomy surgery where my obgyne have any other choice but to remove my ovary. So why did she plan to remove my left ovary? Because what happened is the big cyst already gave birth into a small one which is big as an egg. And she has no other choice but to remove it cuz she said it can be the reason for the rapture thingy. And now, I need to take care of my right ovary.

After I go out home the hospital I have a new problem. My stitches opened a little bit and I need to drink a brand medicine for it. Gladly they are effective at all.

In October 2021.

• I go back to my ob gyne since my period didn't come again. I mean it was delayed for like 3 months. And she said that I need to take a pill, it's a birth control pill called althea, but I drink Provera before that first so that I can have my monthly Period.

On Oct 16, 2021

• My cousin Areum place a flight for me to go on Baguio. It was on June 16, 2022. But since she don't feel comfortable about that date, it became March 23, 2022. There's a story behind it and it was my family again 🥲.

I want to thank everyone who kept supporting me during my surgery period. The one who gave a huge amount for my medicines, every upvote counted 💗 I'm so thankful because you guys help me even though you didn't know me at all.

I was also thankful to the person who became part of my life, always remember that you are the version of the person I want that God gave me. You're the best gift that I received from the year 2021 💓 advance happy anniversary.

Author's Note:

Hi everyone! So how's your day? Mine? Here, I'm just watching Manifest on my GF's Netflix 🥲 my internet was too slow when it comes to other social media and I can't even open my FB because of it.

And I did renew some of the sponsorships that I am sponsoring. By the way. God bless everyone!

By: OfficialGamboaLikeUs