I miss you, but I'm moving on

Three months passed since the day I found myself picking up the bits of pieces of my heart on the ground. It's been a while since my eyes sored from crying so much, thinking where have I gone wrong, what did I do to make you leave me? I can't believe that I'm still alive after feeling the stab in my chest a million times. I am so proud of myself, I made it even without you.

It's been a while but, I still miss you. I still wish we were still together because I'm telling you until now, the past is still haunting me with all the things we used to do. The day when our farewell was real, I knew already that we won't be talking anymore and that made me save the last voice message you sent me and I still have it now, and it still makes my heart feels small.

We've been through ups and down. We travelled bumpy roads together, so it won't be easy for me to forget someone who was with me during the hardest days of my life. Our love was far from perfect, but we were happy in our small crib.

We had inside jokes, language and signs that only u know the meaning of and our sense of humour that is so out of this world that only both of us understood.

I wonder why the time didn't give me the favor this time. Ninety days is enough to heal, but why does until now, it's still so hard for me to see all the red flags they said you have. I knew you ever since that you wanted me in your life, but not the way I wanted you in mine. You took all of me that I willingly gave to you, but I only receive half of you. There were stories about you and I didn't listen. You had secrets that I didn't mind for your privacy, all your excuses, tales and stories that don't make sense, I didn't mind them all, because I wanted you. I wanted all of you. You and your handsome face, your energy and intelligence, and your best way of making me feel.

I look back and blame myself for being stupid in trying to change your mind. You always knew what you wanted, and it wasn't me. Deep inside I knew it wasn't right but I turned a blind eye because I really want to keep you.

I'm not going to lie. I still miss you. I miss you every time I go out with our friends because we used to go out with them. It's never the same now that we've separated. I miss you every time I hear the songs you have on the playlist that you said were for me. I miss you when it's raining and it's cold and there's no one to cuddle with. I just miss you every day.

I still care about you, and I still do. But I deserve better. I deserve someone who will give the same energy that I give. Not only half of them just because half of them are emotionally unavailable. I deserve someone sure to have me the first time they said they love me, not someone who changes when something triggered them. Someone who will never let go of my hand even if it gets sweaty. Someone who wants all of me because they genuinely love me, not someone who will only take all of me because I was the one there.

The day you left, I thought a lot about my future. I thought a lot about the next one who is going to be in my life. I thought about all the things I want and the ones I am missing, and I realized what I was missing was self-love.

I need to love myself first before being in love with someone again. I need to be my priority and my soulmate. I need to embrace the person I am with all the scars and bruises in me and then I will be able to identify what I want and how I deserve to be treated.

I'm not going to lie I miss you. I miss you every day and night. But, I know this time, I need to move on, walk away, and love myself again. I deserve to move on and live happily again.

Lead image from Google. 

Hi, it's me, Noelle. I'm having a headache while typing the whole text. What's this all about? 😭