The Beauty of Acceptance

"There is beauty, freedom, peace, and ease from acceptance."

They said when you fall in love with someone with no doubt, it's either a lesson or a blessing. At the most unexpected moment of my life, I effortlessly fall in love with the first man I loved without hesitations and uncertainty.

In my second year of college, this guy confessed to me that he likes me since the first day of school. Out of all the men I encountered, in his presence, I felt at ease and comfortable, unlike other guys that I'm doubtful and uninterested.

Then a friend of mine said something negative about him and asked if I could accept it and still allow him to court me. I pray to God that if it is not His will, I will let him remove that guy from my life despite the fact that I already like him. But he remains, I can see the sincerity and efforts to win my heart. I told myself that maybe I could give him a chance to try to get to know him better and not judge him based on what I heard from others.

We had each other's back, we helped each other academically and we were so happy back then. Until we become official boyfriend, girlfriend. He was my first boyfriend. Unexpectedly, a pandemic spread in our country after only a few days of being official. The government had no choice but to impose a lockdown to prevent the COVID 19 virus from spreading. Since we haven't seen each other for a long time, I've always told him how much I miss him because that's exactly how I feel; I really wanted to see him but I know how difficult it is for us to see each other at that time due to the epidemic. I made a joke about it once and showed him a photo of my cousin with his girlfriend. I'm not sure if he misinterpreted it or if he thinks I'm putting pressure on him. He mistakenly assumed that my cousin was already employed, and I am comparing him to my cousin. I just call him 'Kuya Papo,' but he is a year younger than us. But that's beyond the point; all I want to do is to clarify things based on what I heard. Instead of knowing it after we had already separated, he should've told me and we should've talked about it that time. It is something I will understand. Still, I apologize for being insensitive but it was not really my intention.

I really appreciate his efforts, therefore I tried my hardest to give back when I earned money by working in our canteen during our vacation and I understand he was broke at that time. When I have means, I will always consider buying little things for him to make him happy. Seeing him happy makes me happier. Sometimes, I brought something to give to his parents when he refuses to accept whenever I offer to pay for the gas. I want to at least thank his parents even through that small gestures of gratitude. And since the new semester is about to begin, I need to stop working part-time. As a girlfriend, I also made an effort to commute by riding 4 jeeps and 2 tricycles even though it is unsafe and far from our home just to see him. But for me, that isn't a problem because of the idea of seeing him excited and delights me.

I've always loved telling stories about him in my family of how kind and compassionate he is as my lover thus my family likes him. I wanted him to feel welcomed like he was already a member of our family. Despite the fact that it was the first time I had been introduced by someone as their girlfriend and I was very shy, I made every effort to develop a good relationship with all of them. I love his family especially his parents because they were really kind and they treated me as if I were their own child.

Misunderstanding and disagreement are part of any relationship. As time passes by, I noticed that we fought even on little things and his behavior changed. He turned too complacent, inconsistent, and had shortcomings yet I stayed because my love is greater than his flaws. I remember he's always criticizing himself but I always reassured him that he was wrong. He is intelligent and I can see his future potential which is something I admired about him. What I dislike about him is that whenever we have a misunderstanding, he always chooses to leave instead of discussing or resolving the issue, leaving me begging for him. That's what I felt in our relationship. He never admitted his mistakes and always blame me for everything. Although I'm aware that I have made mistakes, sometimes I am immature and sometimes I have toxicity, what I want is to fixed everything. Until our relationship becomes toxic and we broke up.

Till he told me he no longer wants our relationship, but even though I don't get any responses from him via emails, messages, phone calls, and chats, I continue to try fixing things. I also tried inviting him out to see a movie, dine, and have a date with me because I'm afraid of being ignored and pushed him away if I go to his place. Despite my fears and uncertainty about what might happen, I decided to face and ask his parents if I could visit their son and speak with him. I brought a cake as a peace offering even though I lacked money.

When I got there, he's sweet, we're happy until I asked him if we could settle things which he replied he needed some space and rest in the meanwhile, and that I could wait for him. I had a different feeling at the time, so I asked if I can see his cellphone. He let me but he is the one holding the phone and I saw a girl he was talking to on messenger. So I tried to get the phone from him so I could read their messages and stop chasing him, but he snatched it from me and threw it away, saying it was better to get his phone destroyed than to know their exchange messages. Of course, I cried really hard, it was so painful. I told him that I've always waited for his replies every day or that he could be honest with me if he didn't want me in his life and I'd let him go, but I ended up discovering something I didn't expect because I trusted him. I look miserable at the time, but I managed to straighten myself out before facing his parents because I didn't want them to see me like that. I said goodbyes gracefully and smiled as if nothing worst happened.

I can't hold back my tears inside the jeepney, and I don't care what other people think of me. All I want is to spare myself from agony and forget everything as quickly as possible. I'm still grateful that despite my pain, I was still able to go home. When I got home, my mother scolded me and asked me where I went, but I'm so drained at that time so I just ignored her because all I wanted to do was rest and sleep all day and night.

Starting that day, I became more helpless and broken plus the family and financial troubles our family was experiencing back then. Everything I used to do before had drained my energy, passion, and interest. I've also lost my appetite and don't have the energy to interact with other people. What I truly want is to be alone and cry my heart out because I can't take the pain, always praying to God to give me the strength to keep going and help me to overcome all these problems.

Until I realized that this isn't me, this isn't the life I've always dreamed of. I began to help myself; God has always been the only person I could run to cause I don't want to add up any burden to my family since we are having a lot of problems at that time. I strove to rebuild my old cheerful and motivated self. That's when I actually realized how gracious God has been to me. New and countless friends, new opportunities, and a new way of thinking. My past has thought me a lot, and it inspires me to become a better version of myself. Despite all difficulties in life, I began to look for the bright side of everything. Right now, I'm becoming happier and more at ease.

This is the message I'd always wanted to say but I decided it was better left unsaid.

We've been together for a year and a half, and it's been one of the most unexpected and happiest times of my life. I've learned to love unconditionally, I've felt really loved, and our relationship has taught me a lot. I often questioned myself, "What did I do wrong?", "Why are you able to let go of everything so quickly?", "Isn't it true that I'm not worth fighting for?" But as time passed, I came to realize all my mistakes. I remembered those times I can't control my emotions, I was too insensitive, too comfortable that even the smallest thoughts in my mind are I want to share them with you. Because for me you are my home. With you, I felt the safest. I wasn't aware I was hurting you in that way. I don't know that craving for your attention is you saw me as toxic and immature, I become insensitive without knowing I am too much. I apologize for any mistakes I made. To be honest, I never did anything on purpose. It's simply that I assumed you'd always accept me as my lover. However, that wasn't always the case, as humans, we have limits. But thank you because since you left, I've learned to grow on my own, learn from my mistakes and be happy again even without the need for that kind of love. Now that I've found calmness, I prefer to do everything by myself. Even from afar, seeing you happy and feel at peace makes me happier. I'm sure you didn't know this, but I'm still your number one fan and the proudest of all your achievements! I'm always hoping for the best for you! :)

I hope you enjoy reading my past love life story ^_^ Thank you so much!