All couples, no matter how close they are, fight for anything. However, there are ways to do it that undermine the relationship, while there are others that strengthen the union and improve it.
Are you afraid of fights? You have surely answered affirmatively. However, these can literally save a relationship if used constructively.
For many people, fighting amounts to explosions and hostility. For others, it is a way of airing conflicts, exchanging opinions and, thus, eliminating those obstacles that cause tension in the couple. In this way, a fight is not only a very healthy outlet, but a means of communication. Of course, to obtain these results it is necessary to "launch into the fight with the right attitude.
How to "fight fair"?
What leads to an "explosion"? It can be several factors, or a set of details that overflow the glass and make us "jump". Of course, everything starts from the same root, feeling hurt or threatened by an attitude or by certain words.
Faced with a situation like this, the impulse of almost every person is the same to protest against what we feel is abuse.
Isn't it logical and very human? However, there are ways to do it, that make all the difference in the world.
We are going to call the positive way constructive fighting. It is characterized by one basic factor: people, no matter how angry they are, do not try to take offense or humiliate themselves. They simply state their feelings in the most honest way possible. We already know that sometimes it is difficult to keep your head in an argument, but on this account the intention of the person is very much. In other words, it is possible that in the middle of the exchange one of the two people says something that hurts the other, but there is a huge difference between speaking the truths, even if they hurt and hurt on purpose, and unnecessarily.
The reality is that we generally know how to make the distinction no matter how strong the fight is.
Never forget to take into account the sensitivity of that other person. Learn to fight to clarify, not to hurt. With this attitude, you already have the basics: good intention. And this brings us to another question. Why on certain occasions do we want to hurt, precisely? Why do we look for the right words to offend, many times knowing that we are committing an injustice? When we feel like this, it is because there is already
a "underlying evil: hostility, things that we have saved for a long time, and then we take advantage of any opportunity to collect it from ourselves. It is essential to avoid falling into that vicious circle that generates more hostility, and drives people away How to eliminate that "underlying evil that causes it? The key question, but the answer is obvious: avoiding accumulating grudges.
Whenever a situation arises that bothers you, clarify it at that time. When a person begins to quarrel, he begins to pour drops of water into that proverbial glass, and ends up overflowing it. That is why so many fights are not limited to the matter that supposedly provoked them but go back to past events, which have nothing to do with the case. If they started arguing about who should discipline the boys, they end up fighting over Sunday outings to his mother's house. Illogical, but frequent
This situation also provokes those unexpected explanations, when one of the two says something innocently, and the other jumps. Examples:
"He never takes me out for a walk" (a very used phrase), and she keeps that for him. Therefore, the day he comments without malicious intent. How boring to always be at home ", she cannot contain that" because of you "that she has been carrying for so long!
Walking firm.
If you have understood how vital it is to argue without offense and speak in time to avoid "underlying evil," you have half the battle won. The other half is communication. How to achieve it in a fight? Let's start with the basics be honest. In other words, neither add to nor subtract from the truth. Say what you really mean, in the simplest and most accessible way. Perhaps many times you do not expose your true feelings for fear of hurting the other person, but this is a mistake. To solve any problem, it is essential to seek that solution through the truth, otherwise, it will only manage to appease everything for a while, but the dilemma will recur.
It is true that in previous paragraphs we have emphasized the importance of not offending. However, this is not a contradiction, as it is possible to say exactly what we feel, without humiliating the other person. And it is simple: do not use offensive
words, or call certain adjectives very "descriptive", but hurtful. Just tell him real facts, and your own reaction to them. For example, if he says: "You are lazy and lazy, because you always leave your clothes lying around" you will only make him look for excuses, defend himself, try to offend her with a: "Well, I'll be this ..., but you are a that ... "that does not lead to a solution.
On the contrary, if you say to him: "every time you leave your clothes thrown away, I have to come and put them away. This delays me in my other obligations, you will be exposing a real problem, which affects you directly, without offending you. Another example: see the enormous difference between saying: "I can't stand the way you ..." and saying: "There is something that bothers me, and I would like to clarify it with you, and from that point, towards the problem.
Remember that if you offend, almost always the other person will become your mirror, you will receive exactly what you project: hostility.
Learn to listen
In arguing with other people, we almost always want to say the last word many times without having heard even the first one our opponent said. "It goes without saying that, in this way, it is impossible to establish communication with the other person.
Listen with real attention to what they are trying to tell you, without preparing mental responses as they speak to you. We already know that it is not easy, but it is vital. Do not forget that when people do not listen to each other, they are misinterpreted ... and from there, a thousand and one entanglements arise that aggravate the situation.
To communicate, you have to talk
Surely you know one of those people who "punish" others with silence. They refuse to clarify situations with a: "I prefer not to talk about that," There is nothing to say. "Of course they know that, from the moment you ask if there is much to clarify and much to say but they also know that, by acting like this, they have some control over the situation.
First, they postpone the confrontation indefinitely, until they want to: second, they hold you in suspense while they decide whether or not to talk (psychologically, this puts you at a disadvantage). On the other hand, with their silence they show how offended they are. What to do with someone like that? Don't play along. If it is impossible to communicate with him or her, do not try to force him to speak. It almost never works and is counterproductive. Although it is not easy to do so, let him know that you too will put the matter on your mind, until he or she feels ready to discuss it. While that time comes, treat this person naturally to avoid stressful and unpleasant situations. If you are the one who generally takes this attitude, you will have already understood how negative it is, and you will surely avoid it from now on.
After the fight what?
Suppose you and your partner just had a "perfect" fight: everything was cleared up, no misunderstandings, and no one was left with something "on the inside." So what? Well, that is the time to strengthen the most pleasant aspects of the relationship, because it would be terrible (as well as boring) to live only to eliminate obstacles, don't you think? Go for a walk or prepare an intimate dinner, complete with candles. Reward yourself for what you've accomplished, and fuel the romance in your relationship. These are the times when they will be most receptive to each other, and they will get the most out of just being together.
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