Day 19: First Love

June 2, 2022

Your first love isn't the first person you give your heart to-it's the first one who breaks it.

This is taken from Lang Leav's famous book Sad Girls. I won't talk about Lang Leav nor Sad Girls today. I will be sharing what I thought and learned about first love.

Prior to the days when I read Sad Girls, I used to define first love as the first person who makes your heart beat fast. It's the person who can give you butterflies in your stomach. It's the person whom you loved the most. It's the person you consider you've had a serious relationship with. It's the first person you give your heart to.

While reading that line from the said book, I found myself nodding at the reality of the definition that Lang Leav provided. I instantly agree with the idea. It's an 'aha' moment for me. It is hidden and she somehow unveiled the true meaning of first love.

I have a lot of crushes way back in elementary and high school and one of them is what I consider my first love. But it was in college when I found my first love. Oh, scratch that! It was in college when I had my first love.

Kevin is my classmate from my first year of high school. We weren't that close to that time and we rarely exchange conversations. My only memory of him was that he is the chubby, rich kid who constantly eats junk food and soft drinks while resting her right leg on the chair. Surrounding him are my classmates who serve as his allies.

Fast forward to the day when I'm already in my second year at the uni. We somehow connected via messenger. I can't remember how it happened. All I can remember is that we started communicating and we constantly take time to chat. We message each other day and night even when I'm having to attend my classes, I would reply to him. Even when it is dawn, I would be up early to message him as he is also up at that time because he plays basketball.

Until one day, we have somehow formed a bond together. It's like we were in a relationship. We only lack labels. We have endearment and we constantly update each other. You know, how naive teens are. I don't know how to guard my heart back then. We're like in a relationship. But we haven't seen each other since high school. We only communicate through messenger.

He wanted me to meet him at least once because he wanted to see me. But I was so afraid of what my parents would think. I was scared that my parents would be disappointed in me when they find out that I met someone whom I can be in a relationship with. So, I failed him but he was still fine.

Later on, he told me that he will be leaving for Canada. I didn't believe him at first so I didn't meet up with him still. After a few days, he sent me photos of him and his family boarding a plane and staying in their new home. That is when I realized why he badly want to meet me.

I regretted that I didn't meet him. I had so many what-ifs but at the same time, I also can't turn back time. We were fine even when he was there. He still updates me until one day, he got tired. He blamed me for not meeting him.

He stopped communicating with me. He blocked me as he said that he won't want to get in the way of my studies. I resort to a lot of desperate moves back then. From making dummy accounts just to reach out to him. I can't look back at how messy I was then. I lose self-respect and self-love.

I'm just glad that it is over now and that phase of my life has ended. That was my turning point. That experience was what made me believe that...

Your first love isn't the first person you give your heart to-it's the first one who breaks it.

• Lead image is from Unsplash.com

Thanks for reading. Until the next read!