Calming the storm with meditation

Sometimes, life gets at you in more ways than one, and in your state of confused helplessness you flounder, lose your sense of purpose and slip into depression. I don't need that feeling anywhere around me because it is usually tricky getting away from it when you allow it build a nest and settle in.

Many times, my emotions have gotten the best of me and I become an absolute train-wreck, but I am usually aware, aware that that is not who I am, aware of what would happen if I don't check it. I never live in denial.

I have a family to take care of, people looking up to me; I need to have peace within me so I can project hope and strength to them at least.

It is understandably difficult to keep a straight face when facing a storm but calmness is what I need the most, calmness and the direction that it brings. At the peak of my emotions and angst, I lose all focus. I lose focus on where I was, where I am and where I am going. It might be safe to say at these times I feel like I had no focus to begin with. I feel like an explorer without a compass. Even an explorer who is on a personal mission would see "no compass" as a fun adventure. Me, I have no such luxury, I have a family and they need me to provide compass but sadly, I seem to be lost in the wilderness.

I started using small doses of marijuana to calm my nerves and to keep those sad, depressing feelings at bay. Marijuana does what it does, makes you feel good and makes you forget to worry, but when the effects wear off, reality comes knocking. Marijuana is a beautiful herb when used right and for the right reasons but so far for me, it isn't a permanent fix, it only gives me temporary leave from my worries.

I am not a lover of smoking (whatever), so I don't intend smoking every day, because I obviously cannot smoke my worries away that was why I started researching on meditation and its many benefits. I needed a permanent calmness, the strength and discipline to face storms and not lose focus; I need my compass strapped firm, no matter the weather.

Meditation is like de-fragmenting your computer hard drive. It gives you focus, clarity and speed of thought.

Meditation was the only thing that could help, besides money obviously. LOL But since meditation is free and within my reach but money isn't, at the moment anyway, guess which one I was likely to settle for...I read that meditation would give me the calmness and discipline I need in my everyday life, money or no. So I read up on how to start, the beginner's stuff...what to do at first and what not to do, how many minutes to meditate as a beginner and all that, basically a beginner's guide...So here are my meditation experience by the days and what and how I felt afterwards.

Hold on, before I jump right into it, here are some of the instructions I got on the internet that guided my meditation sessions, because to get the best from meditation, you have to get into a routine mode, that's what I learnt in my research, so...

*You have to choose a particular time of the day to meditate.
*You have to have a particular spot where you meditate.
*You do not necessarily have to sit on the floor with your legs crossed. You can sit in your comfy couch or lay down on your bed. But best to sit so you don't sleep off in your lying position because that is bound to happen.
*You have to close your eyes and focus on your breath. When you stray into oblivion while meditating, refocus back onto your breath, that's a cycle you are going to get used to and it is absolutely normal.
*I read that beginners should aim for 10-15mins tops when starting out. You can go for more minutes or hours even when you start getting really good at it.


MEDITATION: DAY 1

I found a spot in which I can sit in for a long period of time without discomfort; it's on the plastic chair of my study table. It is very comfortable and it has now become my meditation spot. Such a multi-purpose beauty.

I closed my eyes at exactly 5:58 am and opened them at exactly 6:12am. That is 14 minutes of stillness, and it was such a wandering ride. My mind went to all kinds of places, my childhood, my adolescence, my University days, my happy moments, my angry moments...all kinds of places.

The places it usually stuck the longest were my sad and angry moments. Like there was unfinished business there my mind was trying to unravel or understand. The longer I stayed in these sad and angry memories, the lesser I was angry about them. I mean it felt like those moments didn't matter at all like I shouldn't have been angry or sad about them. I got some kind of closure with those memories, some kind of healing.

The mind is a powerful machine and needs to stay organized to be at its best. We are literally what goes on in our heads. A total stranger could look at your face and see peace and perfection but deep within your mind, could be a monster capable of untold monstrosity.

After my first session, I felt a few things:

• I felt a big relief and satisfaction like I had finally paid that debt that keeps me up at night or finally got that job that would set me up for a better life. A big sense of relief swept over me.
• I felt one with myself and at peace with my surroundings. I felt rich and powerful, like a man of means. I felt birth and death and nothing else matters. Titles didn't matter; neither did money, affluence, anger, jealousy, hatred, societal pressure etc. I felt naked and saw every other thing naked. No measuring of dicks. Lol
• I felt fearless and unhinged. As a matter of fact, I reached out to a couple of acquaintances of mine whom I have been avoiding for one reason or the other. Reached out, said my peace and made peace, and that was it. It felt good to be unrestricted by emotions
• I felt happier and I was less reactionary to external stimuli. Inner peace. Lol
• I felt less angry. Now, I don't know if it is bottled up emotions that have to do with why I started meditating in the first place or it's something that has always been there.
This little confusion boils down to the fact that I am an introverted personality, never loud and love keeping things to myself. Maybe I have just kept too much to myself that my mind deviced a way of expending the excess energy. Short fuse.

These and some other feelings I dont really know how to describe in words, are some of the emotions I felt after my first meditation. The way I put them in words are as simple as I could go, to really explain the feelings I was feeling.


MEDITATION: DAY 2

I closed my eyes at 5:57am and opened them up at exactly 6:12am, that is 15 minutes of stillness.

After my first day of meditation, it was obviously an adventure into a new terrain, which explains all the different things I felt. It was like eating a super tasty meal for the first time, it kinda unlocks all kinds of new areas in your taste bud all at once. LOL

I experienced some emotions I never thought was possible without any kind of stimulating substance. It was all me, my mind, and a simple action of sitting still and breathing with my eyes closed.

After meditating today, I didn't feel any type of way or maybe not the way I felt the first day. But I can feel a continuous calmness within me, it carried on from the first day.

I am being cautious so as not to embellish exactly how I feel so it doesn't look like mediating for two days has suddenly unlocked some superhuman consciousness within me, but I hope it does, in the long run. LOL. Isn't that the idea?

Well, I continue to feel the calm, thats the feeling that stood out for me today. Calmness in the way I process information and respond, calmness in the way I converse. At least I can say I was less confrontational today, less argumentative. LOL. I usually don't let misinformation pass unscathed. I am learning to use my time on things that are of actual benefit to me.

I don't know if this calmness is my inner self playing a role since the whole meditation thing started or if it's the meditation actually having its effect. Both way, meditation comes into the discussion and that is all that matters for now. I hope that calmness and inner peace have come to stay. Such a great feeling.


MEDITATION: DAY 3

I usually don't go into a session with anything in mind. That is, I don't go in, focused on any one thing; I just go in blank and usually come out with gains. I figured, it is best to go in not expecting anything and come out either pleasantly surprised or not disappointed.
During my session today, while my mind was wondering, I breezed past some of the negative memories I visited during my first session without stopping to see what else I can make out of them. I think this wasn't down to avoidance of more confrontation with those memories, but because I have made peace with them and they no longer have any kind of power over me. Progress!

I wandered off memories and into some kind of consciousness/reality I haven't lived yet. Ideas. I wondered from one idea to another, doors were opening up in my mind's eye. From ideas about a journal I am writing for my 1 year old daughter, to ideas on how to document my daily routines and check for patterns.
I guess what I am trying to say is, there is more clarity to my thoughts, things that were usually stuffed and cluttered in my mind, now stand as single items all on their own, easy to identify.


MEDITATION: DAY 4

I smoked pot last night before I went to bed and I can't emphasize enough how much it messed up the progress I had made with the first few days of my practice, in terms of clarity of the mind.
When I closed my eyes to meditate, it was a mess. It was so noisy, uncoordinated, random and a total mess. There was no orderliness to my mind; it became worse than it was before I started meditating. Wow. Now I really don't know how to feel about using marijuana. You know it can give you that moment of magic, an epiphany when you're in a right frame of mind. But with the progress I have seen, practicing stillness of the mind, I don't know what the place of marijuana would be in my life going forward. LOL. I still like the feeling of euphoria it gives, I guess that's what I would miss the most of I were to stop using it. Fingers crossed.

Another weird thing that happened the morning after my pot session is, I woke up in a sour mood. I felt empty and grumpy, I felt depressed. Now that was weird and I definitely did not like it at all. Maybe I will have to stay away from any stimulant till I am done with my journey of meditation. I need to understand what is and what is not, can't be listening to two strong voices.


MEDITATION: DAY 5

I decided not meditate today; I needed to make sure I wasn't doing it too much - I don't know if that makes sense. As a beginner, I thought it wise not to burn myself out. I am sure catching a break every now and then would help me really understand what and how much progress I have made, if at all I made any. So today was rest day... quite ironical, because meditation itself is supposed to bring a restful feeling.

...to be continued.