Conversation with a friend

How was your day?

Who? Me? 

Yes, how are you feeling today?

I felt empty, blank, demotivated, sad, and lonely. Well, I choose to be sad and lonely because I love to be sad and lonely because I’m familiar with them, they make me feel comfortable, they’re very faithful and never leave me alone. They kept me company, from the beginning of my life till today. But, they were just there, in silence.

Something troubling you?

I don’t know what to do and I don’t know what am I doing or what should I do, where do I even start?

What kind of life am I living? Always not sure, always afraid, always feeling ashamed. I don’t have anything to be proud of, if I die today, there is nothing I left that is good or brings benefit to my family. Today, like another day, I am still thinking of what to do and what next. Why do I even exist?

Hmmm…

Did I do something wrong in my past life? Was I a bad person before? Is this some kind of punishment for something I did then? What was I then if past life did exist? Was I cursed? I do not want this to go to my family and then the next generation, so if I have to bear this now so that it won’t go to them, I will accept it. As long as it stops here, with me.

(Small laugh)Do you believe in that stuff? What do you think?

Whatever it is, I will not blame anyone other than myself, I guess maybe it was just me, I was just too weak and just simply doesn’t have a smart brain. Sometimes too dumb I don’t even realize I was doing something stupid. 

Sounds like you are blaming yourself.

This is me, this is my life, why am I feeling this way I should know, right? Sometimes I get very tired and fed up with myself. Well, most of the time. My existence and this whole life I'm living were meaningless, ridiculous, and an absolute joke! 

Take it easy now.

But, no matter how bad and insane life was, no matter how I tried to hide or pretend, this is my life, whether I like it or not, whether I want it or not, whether I accept it or not,  this, very unwanted life will be mine till I let go or till the day I am no more. 

Easy now ok? Would you like to have something? Water? Coffee? Tea?

Just coffee please, its always coffee, thank you. Wait, sorry, who are you again? 

I am your best friend, well, kind of, at least to me, you are my BFF, you don’t recognize me?

(Thinking) 

(Smile) 

Minutes later, the smell of coffee filled up the sitting area.  And the silence continued.

Sorry, have you had anything? I’m kind of hungry. Are you okay if I just go out for a while and buy some noodles or bread for us? 

I will be fine, you go ahead.

(I know you won’t be coming back, you are just one of those people who come and go. You just come when you think I need help and do whatever that you think you should be doing. At the end of the day, everyone left. I’m not mad or upset, I’m okay with that. I prefer to be left alone. I still have my coffee and my mind, nobody can take that away from me.)