I Feared My Mom

Believe me when I say that motherhood is scary...but of course fulfilling at the same time.

Growing as a child, I have many episodes of hating or maybe that's a harsh word, perhaps I'll use disliking my mother. She punishes me and my brothers when we commit mistakes, even the small ones. She talks loudly and nags almost every single day, she gives commands that we "must" obey else we will kneel and be spanked with my father's leather belt.

My small brain was closed-minded at that time and was only thinking that she's the mean one in this family while my father had only spanked me once in my entire life, he is whom I consider my hero.

But, when I became a mother, I slowly understood why my mother was like that. Why she has to delegate home chores, why she talks so loudly, why she nags and requires our obedience. Every single time that she spanks us, she would also hug us afterward telling us that she loves us which is why we have to be disciplined. I remember each spank, I'd cry a river and don't want to understand why she has to do that but that was part of my learning process.

Being disciplined is in fact biblical. We had made a mistake, thus we have to face the consequences and we must learn from it. Through her commands, I am able to learn to do house chores, by her daily reminders, I am taught to always be good at school, to try my best and by her scolding, I keep myself restrained to not conform to what is in the world.

My mother grew up as the 14th child, she was the youngest. She could've been spoiled since she's the youngest but she wasn't. She told me that they were poor, her father (my grandfather) was a farmer, her mother (my grandmother) is a housewife and a "tuba" or coconut wine vendor.

She had to learn house chores early, she has to wash the clothes of her siblings and she was forced to do that or else she'll be scolded too by her mother. She needs to follow each instruction given by her mother, how to clean the house, how to wash the dishes well, how to make sure the white clothes don't get stained, and so on.

Mom Made Me A Home Buddy

My mother had many insecurities in life and she would tell us we are blessed that we are able to enjoy certain things which she never had acquired in her life as a child. She wanted us to learn the things she had learned too so we can be responsible parents someday, I would always recall how scared I was whenever my mother finds out I didn't wash the white clothes well or if the pockets of the jeans pants had specks of dirt in them. I have to make sure that when I hang the clothes, everything is clean from the shirts to the pants and even to the white clothes. If there's one that is not clean, I have to repeat the washing, note, we didn't have any washing machine at that time, so I have to wash them by hand, I was in grade five when I started washing our clothes alone every Saturday.

Spending my weekends at home doing home chores was not what I wanted, my friends invite me to go to their house on Saturdays but I can't because I have to do the laundry, I can't do it on Sunday afternoon because I have to iron the clothes, Sunday morning is church time so my schedule is so full. I ended up just plainly spending my entire time at home on weekends.

This routine made me a home buddy. When I was in college, I found out that I am fine with staying in my apartment alone in my room. I never felt sad or alone. I was content and happy just doing art, writing poems, reading novels, and watching tv sometimes. As I look back today, I truly believe that these things I have developed because of my mother's training.

Mom Made Me Independent

Most of my friends and those whom I met in college told me they had either their mother or father to help them with enrolling in college. I am from Bohol and my university was in Cebu City, this is a 5-hour boat ride and I lived with my brother who was working in a shipyard at that time.

I have to be on my own, I don't remember being afraid to be just by myself. I remember, my mom never shows up during our high school activities and that I am fine with that as long as I can join the activity. I would cry if she wouldn't allow me to join a camping activity in a far town, I traveled a lot when I was in high school for school competitions, and never did she joined me or accompanied me.

This had made me strong and independent.

Mom Taught Me About Trust

I studied in college for four years without my mother showing up to check how I was doing. She only traveled to Cebu for my graduation.

I didn't question her, I love being with myself and I liked the freedom I was enjoying way back then. I thought being away from home is what I wanted, I won't hear my mother nagging and scolding me, I won't get any orders from her anymore, and I won't be washing piles of clothes anymore. I just have to study well.

But today, I knew my mom or my parents had taught me about trust without telling me a single word. Them not checking on me while in college made me realize that they trusted me so much that they knew I wouldn't do anything that would disappoint them.

True enough, that was my mindset. Being away, my only goal was to graduate, to pass every single subject, and to make sure I graduate as a regular student. Aside from that, I need to stay in my scholarship program. I have to do good and every single semester when my grades were sent over to the province, my father would call me about it and would always commend me for making them proud.

I believe that I have gained my mother and father's trust but the most important thing about this is that I too learned about trust and had applied this in my life today.

Living my childhood fearing my mother was part of developing myself. I now realize that the fear that had grown in me against my mother was in fact out of reverence, out of respect, out of love.

I am thankful that my mother had trained me while I was younger, she helped me to not conform to this world but to be transformed instead. She taught me and now, I am already applying all those teachings in my life as a wife as well and a mother.

xoxo,

mommy jean of momentswithmatti

Love harder than any pain you've ever felt.