What's with August?

Just in bed. With lights on. A ceiling fan. Open windows.

That's what I am doing right now.

Wait. And looking at my white ceiling too.

Thinking.

Thinking if this is the path I should be taking. Thinking if this is the best way to live my life. Thinking if my choices are right.

Looking back. That was about four years ago. I used to only sleep about four hours a day because of a lot of college works. Lesson Plans, Instructional Materials, Projects, Research, Practices, and a lot more. A class from seven to seven. Yet, my body and mind that times feels so fine. I am still happy. I can say I am still living.

I feel tired. But it was bearable.

Compared to what I am feeling today while looking at my ceiling.

No school works, no projects, no research. I can even sleep for more than four hours. Yet, my body feels so tired everyday.

Is this how our 20's works?

Or is it how August works for me?

Last year of 2021. I felt the same thing. Tired. Lifeless. Hopeless. I feel like, I can't do anything. I feel like, I am not doing my best.

Like last year, I am always on my bed. Just doing nothing. Just thinking if the decisions I made is what I should be doing. A lot of questions.

That sometimes I came to a point asking, why? Why I am feeling this way? Why I need to go through this phase? Why I need to feel lifeless, hopeless, and thinking this is the only thing I should do?

Like last year, I feel like I am just moving because I need to. I am just living because it is what I should do.

I don't understand.

What's with August?

Is it just my mindset or this is how my life would be?

I am too young. I still have a lot of things I wanted to do. I still have a lot of dreams I wanted to reach.

I wanted to be happy.

I wanted to take a good rest where when I wake up, I feel like I really rested.

No overthinkings. Just going with the flow.

Can I have it?

Can I be happy?

** image from UnSplash