Inhale the future, exhale the past - part 2

03.24.23

Another random thought to share for today. I just want to share a random something about my could-have-been relationships again.

Here's the second part.

I had a few relationships but most of my relationships are long term so breaking up with someone would make me feel devastated as if there's something wrong with me, with my personality.

The last relationship that I had before I got married was my turning point. Before I found my husband, it was the longest time that I've been single. The last relationship traumatized me in a different way. It became toxic and I was gaslighted.

After that relationship, I fooled around thinking that it might be better that way. Meeting new people, and carefully playing around before I commit.

Nice to meet you.

Aside from Ervil, there was another guy who I also thought I could've been with. Let me share what happened with John and me.

John was also one of my wavemates, just like Ervil. I first met John on our first day of training. He was the last to come inside the room just right before our training started, then he sat behind me as it was unoccupied. He asked me if I have a pen and I find it weird because he looked straight into my eyes. If you know me, I don't make immediate eye contact with people who I just met even for a short conversation.

Anyway, our first break started we went out to the smoking area and from there he started a conversation. Asked me about a few things, just a little get-to-know-each-other perhaps. He even invites me for a coffee during breaks and he even gets me a spoon and fork during lunch. Well, I do that too with the people I hang around with. I got the impression that he was making a move.

After our shift, we would invite everyone for drinks. The first time we went drinking, John got drunk. As a person who usually gets drunk, I got to assist and help other people who get drunk too. I took care of him through the night and checked if my other new friends are still okay too.

When he found out that I have a boyfriend, I started to feel that he was becoming distant. I didn't mind it but it was weird for me because I treat all the guys in our wave the same way. I also remember him saying that he's sapiosexual, which means he's attracted to intelligence. Well, I am not a smart person so he's definitely not into me.

When I broke up with the gaslighter, I started drinking more. No worries, I know my limits when it comes to alcohol. They were even surprised that I drink standing up, just to manage my alcohol tolerance that way, I can be safe around the people I drink with. After a few drinking sessions, I took care of the people who gets drunk and they called me 'taga alaga ng lasing'.

Walls up

I can clearly remember the last time and the moment when I put my walls up because I got scared of falling for someone again.

Both of us left the company but our drinking circle would still be in touch for a session. I remember on the 23rd of December 2019, John invited me for a drink. It was pretty late but I still wanted to get out of the house and met him at a little bar nearby. He was with his brother and I asked who else is gonna come. He told me that he also invited Ervil and other friends. I was the one who came to the bar first, I thought Ervil was gonna come but didn't. No one else came. It was actually a small club and we can barely hear each other because of the loud music. I only drank 2 bottles so I can still have a decent presence of mind to go home.

John's brother got drunk. We took his brother to his house and then after that, we don't know what else to do. We were on streets we weren't familiar with. He suddenly held my hand to make me feel safe as he said. We smoked a few sticks while we walked out of the place. I asked him if he can still go home safely because I am pretty sure that I can go home alone. He asked me if he can make me hatid to my house.

At that moment, I knew that he was trying to be romantic. I immediately put my walls up. I told him that I'd rather stay the night with him. Yes, to hook up. That was my defense mechanism at that time. I tend to hook up with guys I don't want to fall in love with. I paid for the room too.

He was also trying to be sweet as he wanted me to cuddle with him after the deed. I let him and I did, but then I put up my walls higher. We woke up and he needed to go to work that morning. It was a bit awkward for him, maybe because he wasn't used to doing a one-night stand. As I took off, I fist-bumped him as if nothing happened that night. I realized that what I did was funny or might be off for him.

A could've been a long-term relationship

I feel like John is the type of guy that I can go on a long-term relationship with. It's just that I felt scared and wasn't sure if we can get along. I immediately backed out without knowing. We haven't had much conversation for me to know. Plus, he's younger than I am. I would go for guys my age or older than I am.

Any thoughts or experiences are open in the comments section. Chika us!

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