061822

June didn't start very nicely to me, just for me. I have a question for all mothers out here.

Did you experience or have postpartum depression or at least episodes?

That's the biggest question that I have as of the moment. Take note that I am not diagnosed, I don't know if I should consult a professional or if this is just a phase of me adjusting to motherhood life. Plus I don't have enough time to consult a professional, I don't want ask my parents or sister again to take care of Lil B for a few hours.

I've been keeping this article in my drafts and just finding the right time or mood to finish it. Honestly, I still don't know how to share and what to share in this article.

Help, assistance and support.

I believe that these three things are the most important things that a first time mom needs.

You must be thinking why I titled my article BI-annual snap. I have 2 reasons for posting this article because I feel like I needed to let it out and I feel like I am already developing hypertension too. I just noticed that living with my parents after I gave birth wasn't easy. That's why most people strongly advise to leave and cleave once you decide to have your own family.

In my case, LDR and giving birth via CS made me need more help. Cutting long story short, I might be getting the help and assistance for a little while but the support wasn't there, moral support and understanding I suppose. I know that my parents know me as their toughest or strongest child but that doesn't mean that I don't need help anymore.

Snaps

I am just gonna share some episodes that happened when I snapped at my mother.

First instance

If I'm not mistaken this was when Lil B was between 4 to 6 months old. It was around dinner time, Lil B was crying for a few minutes and she continued crying even if I am offering to feed her (I breastfeed her). What I did was to tickle her a bit or play with her just to see if it will work to stop her crying. I know that I can soothe her by carrying her however, my back hurts that time so I am trying everything before I result to carrying her (that's my last option and which I did). Before I decided to carry her, my mother said something not in a nice tone. Alam mo yung pinagalitan ka ng very light, pero her tone was a higher or louder than the usual and then she said 'Wag mo nang paiyakin ng paiyakin yan! Gabi na.' Okay let's just say na pinagalitan nya ako so that you can imagine her tone but not too OA.

I got annoyed when she said that, it wasn't even my intention to let her cry. She wasn't even taking care of her that time, they were eating, she even didn't offer help. Unfortunately, Lil B still continued to cry. I got pissed and I did let her cry for a little bit more and kind of told her just to mock my mother, 'Oh wag ka daw umiyak...' I know, it got into me and I felt guilty afterwards. I fed her and went to the bedroom and carried her to sleep. That time I realized, I am turning to be her which I don't want to happen.

The next day, my mother still didn't let it go. She still noticed that I let lil B cry for a few minutes and when she had the chance to pass me by in the house, she would say something like 'Wag mo paiyakin ng paiyakin yan'. I asked my sister to look after Lil B while I wash cloth diapers. Then my mother passed by again and said something that irritated me, I didn't say a thing and went back to do the laundry. My mother took Lil B and I went to the our room and folded her cloth diapers and then suddenly my mother walked in the room. I was half listening to her because I am annoyed. I didn't want to say a thing because I will again look the ungrateful daughter and a bad mother unti she said 'Kung hindi ka pa pala handa magkaanak, sana di ka na muna nag anak'. Then I snapped. I snapped real hard and for the first time I threw things in the air. I threw Lil B's crib. I threw anything that's within my reach. I yelled. I screamed. I screamed as if I wasn't the person who's talking. I was also surprised that I screamed that way. My father got in the room and I continued throwing away things, I punched my father. He hugged me just so I won't throw anything else.

After that, I cried and cried and slept and cried. I messaged my husband that I want to leave. I want to be with him in the province. I want to get out of the house.

All I can remember I was screaming 'Ginusto ko bang umiyak sya ng umiyak, hindi ko naman intensyon na paiyakin sya!' and I continued screaming, yelling other things that I can't remember. I felt like a different person at the same time I was shocked that I even acted that way.

2nd snap

Now Lil B's already a year old and this happened recently.

It started when Lil B started crying non stop again. She cried when I was bathing her and I was about to dress her up, she started crying louder as if something's wrong. Can you imagine a cry that runs out of voice for a few seconds? Yeah, that's how she cried that time. I wasn't ignoring it, to be honest, I am already getting annoyed because I don't know what to do except that I am tired and I want to let her sleep.

Oh before I forgot, this happened one after noon. She fell asleep around 12nn and she woke up around 2pm. I have't had lunch. When she woke up, we had our lunch and then bathe her. Then while she's taking a bath, that's when she started crying.

So yeah, my mother was watching a movie that time and she can clearly hear Lil B crying non stop. Right when I was about to dress her up, my mother got in the room and yelled 'ANO YAN BAKIT IYAK NG IYAK YAN? WAG MO PILITIN MAGBIHIS KUNG AYAW!' Again, I didn't say a word. I let Lil B cry while lying on the bed for a few minutes waiting for her to calm down. When my mother got in the room she took Lil B as if I am mistreating her. She took Lil B and said 'Naririnig mo ba yung iyak ng anak mo? Iba na yan, bakit di mo muna patahanin at wag mo pilitin magbihis!'. Again, I didn't say a word. They got out of the room and my mother continued to say something. 'Alam mo nang kagagaling lang sa sakit, tapos hapon mo papaliguan. Dapat umaga mo pinapaliguan to eh!'. Yes, she said by yelling. Then there, I got triggered and snapped. I yelled in a low, loud voice, 'NAKITA MO NANG KAGIGISING AT KAKAKAIN LANG NYA DIBA. NAKATULOG NG TANGHALI PANO KO PAPALIGUAN NG UMAGA!' Take note, Lil B woke up around 9am that morning, had her breakfast played for a few minutes, then I took my 15min hoola hoop exercise then breastfed her, then she fell asleep. My father came running in room and told me that they are still my parents and I don't need to raise my voice at them. I answered yelling, 'SINO BA NAUNA MAGISISIGAW?'

After a few hours, Lil B and I slept because I felt my forehead numbing again. I need rest. I realized that I was yelling in a different tone. I felt like it was a demonic tone who answered them. I slept it off.

The house became quiet and I didn't talk to anyone of them that night. My mother felt like after that episode everything is fine. No, it's not. I am still not talking to them unless they ask me something. It's just a simple question and answer conversation up until this day.

There were a few times that when my mother and I argued and would feel that my forehead is getting numb, somehow a little bit dizzy too. Maybe twice or a few more times. I haven't consulted a doctor yet because I don't know what will be my alibi for going out.

Anyway, this is just a rant post.

Any violent comments and suggestions are welcomed below.