Too good to be true ...

Have you had the chance to be happy but you think it is too good to be true? And you think you don't deserve it?

Some says I was stupid to let go of one thing special that happened to me. *Chuckles* Maybe I am, or maybe I am not. Do I have regrets? Yes I do. If I had try to talk out all my worries I wouldn't let it slipped that way.

I was a graduating student, 5th year in Civil Engineering, I have many things in my plate, graduation, thesis defense, final exams on corelations, review for boards, but we are still allowed to get crushes aren't we? I had a huge crush to Allan, an Electrical Engineering student, off limits, deans lister and is running for a salutotarian for the upcoming graduation.

While I am a passing regular student in the campus, dress like boyish, has a long wavy hair, and "not pretty at all" says my eldest brother which fortunately his classmates. Bully he is! If it wasn't for the study of my on going thesis related to energy efficiency which my brother should be teaching me, he asked Allan instead for his brotherly duties. While Allan did what my brother asked.

I can remember how I blushed on the day he come to our house to teach me. I need to soldered some electrical parts with the mother board which I will used for my expirements, and he had to hold my hand to help me. His hand is cold and is a bit trembling. I asked if he wanted me to lower the air-condition of our study room. But he just shrug and instruct me to continue.

We exchange numbers, and all the text messages from more technical details. Until, one day I find the courage and I asked him, if he's all too serious and can't talk about other things. He laughs. And we became more close. Morning greetings to late night talks. I was so happy, for what is happening in the last year of my college life. My dream crush the star that can't be reach - not anymore. Is talking to me! Like who would believe that?

Until, one morning, I found myself nodding, when he asked me if I want to be his girlfriend. And I was just too happy I nodded. And until then he keeps on courting me, he would send me flowers on mornings, send me food for during breaks, he would always remind me not to eat late, he was always there for me. He is so much perfect. Until everything on my class turned more difficult.

Hectic schedules, and so many project to finish, and my subject in correlation didn't help. I need to review all the math subjects from the first year to fifth year first semester. And I need to passed it to qualify to take the boards in May. Everything is getting all so serious and I forgot about Allan, but Allan with the same requirement as mine, still don't forget to remember me.

Graduation passed by quickly and the boards came, Allan was already finished with his exam and is already waiting for his results I 'm sure he'll passed! He was there for me all the time, supporting me. Cheering me that I can do it! Boards went well, though I am not sure if I'll passed I made sure I did my best.

I congratulate Allan in a phone call when I have heard about him topping the boards and is now a REE. And I was shocked to know on my brother during dinner that Allan was offered a job in a cruise ship, it was the dream of Allan, and he might not take it, as my brother tease me, that Allan can't live without me by his side.

And on that day I realize, I don't know anything about Allan, I don't know his dreams, I don't know he likes to go sailing, I can't even remember what is his favorite color, what he loves to eat, if he already ate his dinner, I don't know anything about him at all. I reviewed our message conversation, I don't text him first. And he always does. He always say I Love You, And I will only reply when he do. He always checked on me and I don't do the same. I am such a lousy girl friend and all I do is take and take and take. I don't give back, I don't ask. And I would hate if I take it all on him and nothing would left for him.

I don't deserve him. As I am more a getter, than a giver. It is too good to be true that he never even get angry, demands time and just always understand. I don't deserve him at all. And I am more afraid of myself.

I broke up with him, I let him go, I cried, but remind myself that I don't deserve him. And I think that was the best thing that I have done. He pushed his luck, for four years and I still can't see him, because when I do, I might change my mind and get back what I have said. Everyone around me cannot understand me. But, they didn't know that I was afraid that I will be the world of Allan, and I will took his happiness away, by getting all of them, and I think he deserve more. And that is not me. Until after two years, I was also recovering from the heart break understanding my action, when I saw his marriage photos on instagram. Looking vibrant and happy with his wife.

And I feel all the burden was gone knowing that he is all happy now. And I can finally open a new chapter of my life. Maybe Allan, was destined to teach me a lesson to, understand, not to decide recklessly and to show to me that, its better to talk it out than deciding on your own.

I am maybe stupid, but I know I was not the girl he deserve.

T H A N K S F O R R E A D I N G !!!

Credits.

Thanks to youtube for the music above! Hehe

Thanks to Kelly Sikkema @kellysikkema for making the lead photo available freely on Unsplash 🎁 https://unsplash.com/photos/4le7k9XVYjE