I expected it, yet I was still disappointed

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Yesterday, I received a message containing the result of my examination, which I took on September 10, 2022. And it says I failed my examination. Though I kind of expected it during the day of the exam, I still hoped and ended up getting disappointed. It was one of the moments where I blamed myself because I knew I didn't study enough, or I didn't even outsource more reviewers that I could potentially read during my review days.

I knew that I had taken advantage of time. I spend more time watching short videos of tiktoks than watching informative videos related to my examination. I chose to sleep when I could have studied. I choose to go out rather than read a lot. I chose to be lazy when I knew I could have learned more things than staring at my ceiling. I procastinate all the time. And I didn't took it seriously.

Regrets are all over in my mind now. And all I can hear is an echo, saying "I wish I could go back in time. I promise to make it right.". But I know that is not possible. No matter how badly I wanted to be back. And all I can do now is reflect on my actions, list them, and make sure I don't repeat the same mistakes. 

This examination was part of my 10-year plan and is scheduled for the year (2022-2023), and I was actually hoping to pass it this year. I was planning to change my professional expertise from the Construction Management Division to Materials-Inspector and Quality Assurance roles. I finally realized that I am sick of managing and commanding employees who report to me.

It was tough work and I think, though I love the way I am in control of the situation, I knew how very stressful it was. It was not the only thing I would want to do with my entire life, from material requests and deliveries to command, monitoring, and inspection of activity execution. Being in the construction division, I've got only one day off, and it was not enough. Instead of having more time to explore the things I'm curious about, I am already exhausted every day. In contrast to quality inspections, you are responsible for a particular activity and only focused on assurance and quality works.

Since I want to begin exploring this field next year, I needed to pass this examination. I did not anticipate the changes in the questionaire. I relied on the previous examinations, which was a huge mistake.

But somehow, I was still happy to try rather than do nothing. Yes, I failed, but at the very least I tried and I have a plan. Now that I know the examination coverage, I am very much eager to take another and to triple my effort since I badly want this. And hopefully, by next year, I'll be able to say I've passed it.

I failed and tried. My effort was not just enough.

When I entered engineering, I had a lot of failures, mistakes and disappointments. It was all short-lived and part of all the process. And so it shall pass.

Hey

Thank you for reading what I am feeling today! I just want to remind all of you that when we fail, that means there is something wrong with how you did it.

Failure always reminds me of finding the moment at end support of a restrained beams using different method of equation, which answer should be equal. But at the end of my solution there are two different moments. Since there are two outcomes, equal or fail, I knew that if I fail, I made a mistake in my solution. I overlooked on something. If they are equal that means I did it the right way.

Engineering taught me a lot, and one is to be a problem solver, to propose one or more solution methods. And when everything seems to fail after many tries, it also teaches me that anytime I can rest and call a friend.

If you are in a situation like mine or deeper. Don't be afraid to fail, try and try until your effort makes it way.