How long are you willing to sacrifice for your family?

Until when we can sacrifice ourselves for our family? Until when, we can dream for ourselves or our happiness will be our first priority? Until when you could breath, you could think and you could say, its me this time.

I exhaled exasperated as I go throughout the red room. I am thankful, the man who pay me for tonight just want me to dance and smell me from head to toe. I sighed as I counted the money that my employer gave me as usual, 50/50. I am glad that the old man gave me the tip that could help a lot for the studies of my younger siblings and could buy things to feed my niece.

I sighed, as I put on a shirt and phants behind the red thong I wore so I would look decent enough when I come outside the club. 4:30 am I should get out of here and be at 5:30 am on the house so my sister could prepare to school and be an aunt for my niece.

"Going soon, Ana?" asked some guy, who I work with many times. He was having a good time with girls on his side. "Why don't you join the fun with us?" He asked as he smiled more seductively, teasing. "No James, I need to be home by 5:30, you know aunt duty!" In most day I would join. The money pay is good. But I have to go now.

If you were wondering, I work in a club, yes you can call me a whore, slut and all those dirty words you could formulate. I have been since, I couldn't remember. My experience was so shocking and I have met different men, men in rage, men with insatiable desire, men in their psychotic side, men who just want to talk, men who loves to smell you all night, men who just want to hug you, men who love tying and love to be in control, men whom I usually avoid because they are sadistic and men who love role playing. I have met a lot. Bedded a lot. And that made me dirty, dirty from your eyes, my eyes. But do you ever know my story? Why I am here? Why I am doing this? Or you just saw me dancing on the pole wearing a two piece little cloth to hide the place that should be out of sight, and looks at me like I am the most dirty creature in the world?

It is not to validate all the things that I have done or if you think that there should be more than this, rather than this, I just refused to choose to do and find one. Again I am not here to validate my action. But to share my story, to give you a glimpse of my life. To open your mind.

I was 16 years old, eldest, my father just died because of motor accident, and I was in desperate to help my mother to recover from the same event, I have 4 siblings and I don't know what to do but come through my neighbor and asked for her help. I never knew who our relatives where as I grow up living in the neighborhood where my father works. My parents don't tell stories that much. After a week she says she found me a job in the city. And I was so happy, I could help my family go through all these difficult time.

I was there standing in a loud place, with all the darkness and revolving lights surrounding me. And somebody called me to move and got me to a room, and told me to change and serve foods and drinks. At 16 I become a waitress. At 18 I tried to find a more decent job but they won't hire a non-high-school graduate. But I needed more money, because my Mother wasn't waking up yet. My second sibling was so happy about joining a writing competition but she needed a computer a net book computer. The other one says he's shoes is worn out and needed a replacement. They can't watch the news needed for study as we can't pay for the electric bill. Days after days so many bills to pay. So I tried club dancing, sing a few song. And on morning I applied as a part timer for the nearest, fast food chain.

It was going all smoothly. I can even afford a decent place of my own. And send my Mother to a more decent hospital. Two years, still no news of my mothers recoveries, but the doctor says they have good news and that she needed to be operated. And she needed $10, 000 to have her life back. Everything is not clear, except that where would I get money for that? I tried to loan from different banks, even tried to sell our land and our home, but everything seems against us. And my employer, offer me the whore job you say. I felt like I have been the most dirtiest women that has been created by the universe after thinking over it. You think I didn't think about that too? I did.

And the last news I wouldn't want to heard my sister came, crying while telling me she's pregnant. I am so speechless, helpless, I saw her and she cries so hard and beg and say sorry. I couldn't grasp all of this at once. She says he left her and she don't want to kill the baby because that was the guy wants. I can't help but cry for all the frustration I have been suffering but, if I break down now, who would be the strongest for all of us? Who would catch us? Its all in there right now. All we have to do is create a solution.

I accepted the job. You don't wanna know all the story. Just leave them be. But the first day to month, all I think was its for us, to feed us, to gave a life. Everything, for us, because in the end its the family that matters. Its the only reason I live. And I don't want them to lose their hope. That in the end, they will grow on the right track. They will not suffer the thing that I have suffered. As long as we remain together, to keep us together. After 4 more months I have been able to save all the money intended for the operation. But after a month of the successful operation my Mother had died eventually. My sister is almost having the baby.

The third sibling got admitted to a popular, university and needed more money for his tuition. I could send him to public but I don't want to cut the dream he created on his mind. As a constant reminder of my father, "Relive the dream, and dream big."

As I walk down the jeepney to our place, where my niece and sister where, I hope you learned some lesson, I hope that you cherished all the things you have now. As anyone would be willing to trade at your place. Be joyful, be thankful, be kind and be open minded. And one last question, how about you, how much are you willing to sacrifice for your family? Would you be willing to die without doing anything?

Ikaw ba? Hangang saan ang kaya mong gawin para sa pamilya?

There will be more struggles but as long as we are together, I am willing to sacrifice myself for the dream that I wish I could have, and for the dreams I could create for my siblings. And hopefully, someday when all my dreams for siblings come true I could eventually say its me this time.

T H A N K S F O R R E A D I N G !!!

Credits.

And Shoutout sa mga panganay na anak, mga breadwinner. Laban! 😊

Thanks for youtube for having me watched the documentaries above and create this piece. I hope I gave justice to my story. Sorry because I know there still a need to polished. But rawr I can't wait to share it.

Thanks to Eric Nopanen @rexcuando for making the lead image available freely on Unsplash 🎁 https://unsplash.com/photos/72eYgGJVzQM