Why Life is so Tough Lately?

Good evening dreamers! I hope that you are really doing well today!

How's life lately? To be honest, I've so demotivated and down lately. I don't know why I'm feeling this way. Even I just woke up, I feel like I am already tired. It's so heavy as if I carry the whole world's problems. I miss my side that I am so energetic and inspired to everything that I do. I miss those days that I can totally rest without thinking a lot. Now, it is so hard for me to sleep even my eyes wanted to. My mind don't stop to think that leads me to be wide awake until the dawn. Even people here in the house notice that changes in me. I'm always not in the mood having fun with them. I keep silent and just nodded if they asked something from me. I always lock myself on the four corners of my room. Actually, even me don't know what's really happening on me right now. Is it just I'm bored in life or is it that I'm already drained too much?

While I'm doing my thesis paper, suddenly my tears fall apart. I didn't cry because my that paper and I also don't know what the reason behind those tears. I realize that life hits me so hard lately. I've been facing a lot these days. I admit that I am already tired. My body is tired, my mind is tired. Everything in me is already tired. It is my first time to feel very demotivated like this. Before, I am always the one who push and motivates them to continue life. But now, I can't even tell all those motivation to myself. It seems that I can't apply all of them now. Also, I don't have the energy to reply on all the messages I receive from my friends and classmates. This is what I hate from myself when I am demotivated, it seems that I want to walk away from people. I just want to be alone until I recover myself from that phase of my life.

No one knows that I'm already battling my own breakdowns. I also don't want to tell to anyone since I don't want to be burden to them. While I'm still helping myself to recover, my brother message me. I unintentionally read his message and that message makes me feel lonely even more. He said that our other brother and him had a fight because our brother got addicted to gambling again and worst, he used the money that they earn from the farm. Our Mom also got stressed and almost collapse because of that fight. I thought that he already change but I am totally wrong. Since our Dad passed away, he even got worst. We don't actually don't know how can we help him to realize about his doings. My brother asked me to talked to him once again since he seems to listen to me more than him. But this time, I don't know how to talked to him especially since I am younger than them. I have right to do that? I just think about it.

I'm sorry if you read an article like this from me. I just want to vent out and release all the heaviness I have inside. Right now, I am physically and mentally unstable but I will not let this phase be longer. At this point that I am filled with a lot of problems and chaos, I believe that I should find a way to get out of here. I should not let myself be cornered by overthinking and negativities. I even didn't get doubt on Him, I know that He is still in control. I suddenly remember the homily last Sunday. The priest remind that " We should not be deceive and we should not be afraid in life". I also repeatedly tapping my chest while saying " This too shall pass".Everything that I experience today will be worth it one day. It's really hard finding myself in the dark but if it's His way to teach me the hardest lesson in life, okay I choose to be stronger. Not now but I believe that this too shall pass.

Hugs to those who also experiencing and battling on their own battles. I know that it is hard to overcome those silent battles alone, just go on and believe that everything will be put on it's place.