I don't want to wake up on that Trauma again

He was my savior, I'm his little angel. My father is my favorite not until he also became my biggest trauma and my Mom's worst nightmare. I thought that happy moments will remain at our side but I didn't expect that it only just in the beginning. Those laughter turns into cries. Those jokes suddenly became a physical assault. Everything was only just a lie, I'm living under their lies. I believe the he is the family's hero but I couldn't imagine that he was the wrecker in our home. That he is the antagonist to his family's life. If I only knew, I just wished not being on his side. I wanted him to walk away from us rather staying here while hurting us over and over again. Maybe my brother was right when he said that we should be kid forever so we are not totally aware on his bad behavior. That we are still blind about his true color, so we can still admire him as our father.

When I hit the age of 12, I realize the reality inside our house. That time, I can fully understand why my Mom always have bruises and why she always cried in the middle of the night. Before, she said to us that it's because of her work but she is also a good liar. I didn't understand why she still cover up that man's bad doing. Is it because she really love that person? Or she just stay for us to be called a complete family? She is the greatest martyr that I've ever know. Before, I'm so proud on my Dad because he is such a strong guy but now, I regretted him as my father. Everytime that he slap our mother in front of us, it seems that I wanted him to kick out from our house. He did nothing but to drank from morning until dawn. And when the alcohol hit hards on him, he will treat our Mom as his punching bag. Sometimes, he also did that to his children including me. I please my Mom to get out here because it might be the reason why we die soon but she still choose to stay here. She believes that our father will change. But when? When one of us was already died? I also mad on my mother that time because she still hold on that love she have for that person. But I'm different from her, so at the age of 17, I choose to go far away from the house. Even it hurts, I decided to do it because I want to set myself free from the torture that my father brought to me. I couldn't handle it anymore.

I've searched for a job and I also continue my study. To be honest, I'm so envious everytime I saw a family who is happy together. I've never experienced that kind of happenings. I wish I have too. After 3 years, I finally graduated and can able to find a decent job. On the other hand, I'm still not coming back to our house. I visit sometimes but I make sure that they will not saw me. I've heard from our neighbors that my father is seriously ill but he still got drank as much as he want and hurt our Mom endlessly. I thought he can really change but we're wrong. One time, I have a courage to went there and talked to my Mom. She immediately hugs me and I can saw that she loses weight so much. I actually don't recognize her because of her look. She still have bruises over her body but she can still manage to smile. Then she bring me to my Papa's room. He lay down on the bed while looking at me. I will not lie to you but the moment, I saw him so weak like that, the first thing that comes to my mind is that " he deserves to be like that". He holds my hands with teary eyed. It seems that he is asking for some forgiveness but I let go his hands. He doesn't deserve any pity or forgiveness at all. I just leave on that house because I can't handle it anymore. If I stay, I might say painful words to him but those words is not enough for all of the physical and emotional damage he gives to us.

After 7 days, my brother called me to inform that our father already passed away. I had no reaction at all because I already expected that to happened. Am I a bad child if I wished that to happened? I thought that if he died, everything will be put on the right place. My mom will be free from any harm and could live happily. And us, we can live without any fear inside of us. But I'm wrong because even I wanted to be mad at him, even I pushed myself not to attend to his burial, I'm still here crying for his loss. I wanted to tell to him that he deserve to die but I can't because I also know to myself that there's a time that he also be good on us. That some time, he also supported us from our needs. I wanted to ignore him but I can't control my feelings but to cry. He didn't change but I believe that he already regret all of his wrong doings before. My Mom is not weak but she is a strong one for staying at her man's side. She is so strong to fight until the end. Maybe, my father brought the biggest trauma on us but I can't also deny that he also one in the million reasons why I'm trying too hard to achieve my dreams. Maybe ,he is my Mom's worst nightmare but she also witnessed how he became her sweet dreams before. I'm still mad on him but I will not close the door of forgiveness for him. He still my father and one day if I had a chance, I will tell to my kids how this trauma became an inspiration to me. He already his in peace so it also time for us to heal all of the wound we had. It's the time for us to move on and recovering from that dark past. I hope that he still watching us from above and I hope that he is proud on having us. But if I had a choice, I don't want to wake up having that trauma again.

This is only a fictional story. 

Greetings!!

Hello there dreamers!! How's life going over there? Hope that you are doing great. I really thought that it is Sunday today not until I check on my phone. Anyways, I want to greet " Happy Father's Day" to all of the handsome yet hardworking Papas out there. You deserve all of the love and appreciation from your family. But I hope that no one experiencing the same scenario as my article tonight.

And before I forgot, I just want to say thank you to everyone who supports me. I also want to say thank you to @Jijisaur for her sponsorship renewal and to @ZehraSky for her sponsorship. Thank you very much dreamers🤗