Until when will I suffer?
This afternoon, while I am feeding my daughter, I suddenly felt that I stopped from breathing and the next thing I knew is that I am catching my breath. My hands are shaking and I cannot hold the spoon anymore. I stand up and shake my hands, took a deep breath and relax. However, the panic attacks worsen. It's so hard to breathe and I am so lightheaded that everywhere I go, I can collapse anytime. I also panicked which made the uneasy feeling worse. I look at my daughter while my sister is taking over the job. Clea is not eating and she is crying. I want to continue feeding her but my body won't let me.
I felt my back and chest become heavier and it gives me pain as I breath. I rush to the kitchen and grab a glass of water but still, it has no effect. I don't want to let my grandma know but I have no choice. I feel like I am dying. I told her I am not feeling good. I am crying because I am scared. God knows I don't want to die early. Not this time. My baby is still six months old and she needs me more than I need her.
My grandma goes to our neighbor who knows how to massage to relieve the pain. She went inside our room and asked me what I was feeling and then started massaging me. She started from my back I think from the lung part. She told me I have a lot of "panuhot" a common term here in our province whenever someone feels pain in the body. I don't know how to describe that term in English but "panuhot" is what we get from too much exposure to cold places or when we use electric fan right towards us.
Personally, I don't believe in that because I base everything in Science and I believe more on doctors rather than the quack ones. For me, I think what I'm feeling is over fatigue. I exhausted myself everyday from taking care of my baby, answering modules for commission, doing the laundry and if I have free time, I will write an article even if it's late at night. Oh, not to mention that my baby sleeps late at night too!
My grandma told me to not do the laundry anymore because I was like this when I was still childless. I tend to get sick whenever I do heavy household chores or carrying heavy things. Moreover, my back aches too like I was being punched. I don't know why my back is still hurting today when it was being massaged already. I started to think something worse again like what if I have a lung complication? Arghhh! I'm so tired of myself. I'm so tired of overthinking. If only I can renew or have another brain, I would be glad to have a new one.
Until when will I suffer from my anxiety? I thought it's gone already. I was okay. Why this has to happen now when I already have a baby? I'm angry to my own self because I feel like I can't take care of my baby well. Even though she only has cold, I think that she's having more serious illness than that. I also get nervous everytime I go near her because I feel like she's catching her breath. I asked my partner if our baby is looking fine and he told me to relax because it's just a cold and it will go away soon. It's normal for younger babies to have cold even adults catch cold.
I also chatted @Zhyne06 again and asked several questions about how her baby felt when he had cold too. I'm too shy to ask my friend a question again because I have asked her many times. Lol. But what can I do, everytime I get a comforting reply from her, I feel good and I don't panic anymore. I am just so blessed to have her.
I know my article today is a disaster. I can't think straight and my thoughts are not organized. I don't want to read again either. I just want to rest and get some sleep while my baby is sleeping. I want peace of mind. I don't want to suffer from this mental health illness anymore!
To you, my friend, please be well and take good care of your mental health. Our physical health might deteriorate if our mind is not in peace.
I shall go back when I feel fine.
Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it up when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big help.