should I stay or should I go?

One week had passed and I've been also too passive for the whole week. I told myself to write an article everyday but the time to do it is so hard to find. Being a mom, a working mom is really tiring especially in my case for I am battling with my anxiety everyday. Even though I really wanted to just sleep, relax and calm my mind, I can't manage to do it. I have a baby who needs me. I owe something to a friend that needs to be paid. I need to have money for my baby's needs. These are just few of the things that I always think of. I am so tired not in life but tired of being me. I hate me for having this anxiety.

So yeah, my well-being has been very much affected. I even think of leaving/quitting my job since I always feel tired. I was absent for three days and within that three days, I was at home taking care of my baby. No work, no stress. I realized that maybe my baby is the one who can help me. Whenever I carry her, play with her and laugh with her, I can't think of those negative thoughts that my mind always play.

I chatted my boss and told her about my concern but she did not allow to resign.

She advised me what to do and offered to lend me money so I can go to a doctor and have a check-up. She even told me to rest and I am allowed to rest from to time. She is kind and understanding that she allowed me to rest for the whole week but then I told her I would go to office today. I know she needs me because she's a very busy woman. We already had that connection and if she'll hire a new one, it will take much time and the paper works to be done would be pending. I understand she needs someone in her office but I also need to rest and have my mental peace back.

Now I'm in troubled waters. If I quit job, I will have my rest all day but there will be no money coming in my pocket and if I don't quit my job, I feel like my healing is so slow for I'll be facing stress and pressure everyday.

Should I stay or should I go?

Urgh! Why do I have to feel like this? I always do my best everyday to feel fine but why does my mind won't cooperate. I know I can control what I think of but it's really hard for me to do it this time. I really wanted to be free from this drowning thoughts. I miss my life. I miss how to be happy. I miss how to enjoy every moment of life. I miss the feeling of being in love and to be loved. I lose big part of my life.

But, I won't give up even if sometimes my mind would command me to just end my life. No. I don't want to die this way. Not now! I want to see my baby grow and be successful at life and I want to have more experience being a mom.

I know this anxiety shall pass. This will be over soon and I should help myself because no one else can help me but myself. God is also here with me and He won't let me battle this alone. In Him, I will be healed.

Ciao! ❤️