Not now!

As I am writing this, I am battling with my anxiety and panic attacks. I don't know exactly why I got this but my doctor said that there are a lot of things that can trigger anxiety and one thing is because of too much pressure and overthinking. At first, I thought I have an abnormal heart condition because I find it so difficult to breath all of a sudden. I was in first year college that time and I really don't know why it happened. It was New Year's Eve in 2016 when this panic attack first happened. I was just folding our clothes when I felt uneasy. My hands are cold and started to get numb as I was folding our clothes. My feet were cold too and I can't make them move to any direction. Because I became too nervous, my heart beat rapidly making it hard to breathe. I called my younger sister who was asleep that time but she just ignored me and said that she's tired and sleepy. I told her to call our grandma who was at our neighbor's house for I cannot breath but she just continued to sleep. Until now, I and my sister always argued because of that. I told her she didn't care about me but I just make it as a joke.

So yeah that's how it started. When my grandma came, I really can't breath and my hands' color started to turn into violet and and I can't control them too. My speaking became crooked because my mouth seem harden. Consequently, I panicked which made the situation worse. I wasn't able to breathe at all so my grandma decided to take me to the hospital.

When we were on our way, I was crying while riding on the ambulance. I thought that it's the end of my life that I even bid goodbye to family. I also questioned God about my fate why He will let me end that way. I never thought I would arrive at the hospital alive. The nurses hurriedly assisted me because I can't walk anymore. They let me be in a wheelchair and immediately checked me in the emergency room. They checked my heart beat and then decided to admit me there. Since it's New Year's and it's late in the evening, the doctors aren't there and so the nurses called them.

I really don't want to be in a hospital since horror movies gave me trauma about it but I did not have a choice but to stay. When the doctor came, she checked everything in me and said that maybe I and my boyfriend had a fight that's why I ended that way. I was thinking that is my condition a joke? Little did I know that there's nothing wrong in my body. It's my brain that had a problem. It's my anxiety.

I learned that I had an anxiety when my doctor explained everything. She told me most woman or woman are prone to anxiety than men because woman tend to think more than man who are just relaxed. She told me maybe I was being pressured by my family or maybe I don't share my problem to anyone. And there I realized that the doctor was right. Since I was a kid, my grandma used to said to me that I should be the top one in class and such the like. At first, I was okay with it but when I grow up, it developed into pressure and I was unaware of it. My doctor gave me medicine in case my anxiety would act up again but I didn't take even one. I don't want myself to be dependent on it. I want myself to heal the way I want and that I should be the one to control my brain.

It was only after six months when I fully recovered but those six months were hell for me. I had a difficulty in breathing all day even I will just drink water. When I am alone at home, my panic attacks would again visit me that I almost got crazy thinking that I will die. Glad that I found ways to divert my attention and that is cleaning the house everyday. I also talked to my dogs and spent most of my time with them. I also slept most of the time for it was my only escape from feeling so tired.

After that six months, my anxiety would seldom visit me but now it came again. I told my boyfriend about it so he will be aware too. I even let her nurse Clea because I want to rest and sleep but I can't sleep early. I am thinking that this should go away especially now that I have my baby and I can't take care of her if I have this with me. But what can I do, it's so hard for me to avoid it.

To you out there especially to us, women, let us take care of our mental health. Stay away from those people who don't contribute peace. More self-love this time, please. Do what makes you happy and don't let pressure take over you. Learn to communicate all the time. Let everything out so you won't carry heavy baggage in your heart.

Have a good evening! Gotta go back when I am fine.

Thank you fam for supporting me. I may not be able to respond immediately but I promise I'll make it up when I have the time. Thanks to my sponsors and to those people who upvote my posts. You guys are big help.

Sending my warmest gratitude to ms. @Jane, @Jher0122 and @foryoubtc09 for the sponsorship renewal. You guys rock!

Ciao! ❤️