Busy so I'll be free

I don't know why but these negative thoughts linger on my mind everyday. There's a day when I think I have a cancer or leukemia and I would die any time soon. This thought of me going to die is making me restless everyday. I'm anxious. I'm afraid of the future. Even though the people around me are always telling me that these thoughts were all on my mind and they're not going to happen, my constant fear of death has not left my mind like it's already rooted. Gosh! I hate this! Who likes to think of death?

I don't want this thought to consume me. I have a life and I must live not just exist. I have a family and a daughter to take care of so I must help myself because no one can cure this but me.

Making myself busy so I'll be free.

To make me feel better, I decided to make myself busy so I won't have a time entertaining these negative thoughts. You know, keeping myself occupied with things, with work and momma-jobs. I don't want to think I'm dying and just sulk in bed doing nothing. Hell no! I want to be happy again.

I still want to drink beer and be with my friends getting wasted. This anxiety won't stop from being a good mom and a provider to my family. This anxiety won't take away my dream to experience gluta drip. Haha! I know this is crazy but I really dream of having a fair skin complexion ever since I was child. My friends named me "octopus" for having a dark skin tone so I promise to myself that when I am earning money, I will surely get that gluta drip. Maybe not now but soon when we will be stable financially.

Anyway, I am starting to explore Hive again. I created my account last June but I only wrote 4, articles and I don't have enough Hp to interact with other users. I am now on Discord, making friends with all the users there and waiting for my status to upgrade to "hayahay" so I can interact more. Just recently, I wrote an article on Hive entitled "Amor Fati". If you have spare time, I would be glad if you check it on Hive. Let's be friends!

I'm also finding a way how to be active here on read.cash everyday. Even though Rusty's visits are not the same as before, I am still willing to write for it helps divert my attention. When I am at work, I would sneak time so I can write an article whenever my boss is having her meeting or when she's busy with something. Time is gold and I should not waste any single minute. My earnings on read.cash is not the same as before but at least I still earn here though. It's better than nothing.

Not sure how to start but I plan on spending more time with family for I am always away during weekdays. I feel like I am grumpy all the time and my partner can feel it. I don't want him to feel unwanted but you know, being a mom, a working mom is so tiring. I don't want to do anything when I am at home. I just sleep when my baby is asleep.

Furthermore, I want to cook spaghetti too. Spaghetti has always been my favorite and comfort food. If only I have extra money for it, I would hasten to the nearest supermarket to buy the ingredients. For now, I can only afford to buy pan cake ingredients so I guess I'll convince my partner to buy after my shift.

With these things, I pray to God that I will eventually forgot that I have anxiety so I won't think much about it. I want to wake up without worry.

How about you? What are the things that you want to get rid of?

Ciao! ❤️