I can feel I am under constant pressure, overthinking everything, I think they are just waiting for me to collapse or evaporate in the air before they stop. I can see them laughing and whispering while looking at me, I don` need to wonder who are they talking about. I can feel that I am afraid to commit to all the things that I want because when I let go of what I am holding now, there are many people that will be affected.
Yesterday, it was so cloudy in my head, I can`t think or focus for a long time, there is something in my head that keeps popping out of nowhere, even I don`t want to think about it keeps getting my attention. I can feel the same feeling over and over again this past week and I am kind of accepted it as a part of my life since then.
I think my hope is gone, I am done longing for better and peaceful days. Last week my and mother got into a fight.
She said that "You are doing nothing but to stare and sit in front of your computer all day, I am so tired to work all day just to see you sitting"
I did not respond, I just go home and started typing and finishing all my paper works. But as long as I am not thinking about the word she said, the more it echoes at the back of my head and I can't focus on everything that I am doing, so I confronted her.
As I am dialing her number, I changed my mind, It is pointless to talk to her when she has a point. I am still studying as a Veterinary student and I don`t have a lot of time to help them in our business. I will just hold myself and let this feeling fade away.
But all I am doing now is for them isn`t it? I don' want to be a doctor in the first place, I just follow what they instructed me to do. When they told me to take this course, I just say yes.
Since I was a child I don't have time to choose what I want to do and to be in life, they told me what I need to do and my only job is to say yes, that's all.
I just continue my day as always doing things that I think I want, studying, and cleaning the house before they arrived. It is a normal day as ever but my mind is in a rush, thinking about every negative thing that happened in the past, amplifying everything until I can hear it loud and clear.
It`s the other day, I woke up not so early this day. It is strange because it is quiet this time. It is unusual to be quiet in this house because everyone is shouting at each other all the time.
I get up out of bed and start my day, as usual, I make a coffee and go for a run. I thought I can see the sky above me head-turning blue but it isn't.
