Emptiness and its Monsters
I don't know when it started and why I'm feeling this way, but I always have this for quite some time now. Maybe it started when the pandemic arised or to those days I'm left alone by my family to pursue the plans I laid for them or maybe because when I saw my sick father again after abandoning us for years, all the bad memories I can no longer count came flooding and made me blackout. Or maybe because I was left alone with all these responsibilities that I felt drowning everyday.
This emptiness is like a driller, digging holes in my body, not just in my heart but in every part of my body. This hollowness makes me feel suffocated and heavy. No matter what I do, I always end up catching my breath for me to live and go on.
How do you define emptiness?
As the Google's definition, it is the state of containing nothing, meaningless.
But for me, it is not because of lacking something instead it is feeling too much. Too much worry for the future, an overthinker like me would definitely befall in this especially I always think ahead. Too much love that I lost the chance to give to those people I can no longer see. Too much words that was left unsaid or even hurtful things that I never meant to say. Too many fake smiles and even tears to portray to people that I'm still human. Too much fear for the growing pain inside of me that even going to hospitals made me tremble. And lastly, too much staring of myself in the mirror, wondering why am I still here, what have I done to my life so far.
Why does emptiness feels so heavy?
I always ask this question whenever it occurs. Recently, I always find myself staring at nothing. In my room's ceiling the moment I wake up, contemplating what would this day will happen. Doing small talks with a person yet my mind elsewhere. Doing activities that will surely lift my spirit up yet after, it will be back. Feeling heavy in every light situation I'm into. Searching for something that myself don't know what it is. Suddenly crying because the heaviness can't be contained anymore that I need to express it into tears. It's a countless occurrences I have encountered and it felt heavy and suffocating.
How do you fill emptiness?
I fill it with the people I love and care. Talking to them is my great joy. Bonding with them makes me feel alive. I always fill my eyes with all the blue skies, green ocean, lush mountains and green trees I see everyday. I always wonder God's creation so I like to wander in different places if I have the opportunity. I'm a bit of a traveler, I like to experience new cultures, see different attractions and meet new people. I also try doing extreme rides if given the chance. I'm not afraid of heights that's why bungee jumping, zip line and dropzones are my favourite rides. I'm a fan of carnivals also, trying almost everything on their rides. Aside from these, I'm fond on tasting different cuisines together with my friends. And lastly, giving some me time every now and then if I am overwhelmed by all the things around me.
Feeling empty is a normal thing to everyone of us. It is how we handle this feeling. How we overcome it and how we deal with it. We have different motivations in life and also distractions. Meeting virtual friends in noise and here in read is a blessing in disguise for me, my beautiful distractions, because in all honesty, I am on the brink of succumbing depression again on the last quarter of 2020. I am very grateful to each and everyone and most importantly to the Almighty God who never let go of me in those dark times. Even though there will be times I'll feel empty again, I know I can overcome it. I know I can succeed on it.
Hey there lovies,
I am not in a good shape right now. I've been feeling constant pain inside of me that I can't ignore. My annual check up would be days from now. I hope all is well. I'll try to write articles but I can't promise it to be frequent. Hope you're having great days.
See you in my next article. 👋
Cheering you always,
©️ All rights reserved. LuaDesamor
All photos are mine.
February 1, 2022 / 21:15 PH time
Good writing I can relate much to this🥺