How I wish I am Lovely as my name

The things on my mind been shaking lately, I don't understand it anymore like I became so heartless when it comes to saving myself from pain and problems. I should be the first to comfort me, however I am additional to my main problem.

Head pain, back pain all in all body pain they're all bringing me to a whole which everyday I keep on going keep on fighting, yet still feel like I did nothing. I feel like I'm going into a deep water and trying myself to swim hard to rich the edge of the water, but something is holding me, something is bothering me and it holds me to stay on my level. This is embarrassing!

I wonder why my mom gave me this name. Lovely, wow! Lovely is exquisitely beautiful, a kind and friendly person, like almost perfect! I don't think I deserve this name, my name and me is a total different of person. I have this attitude that cares for others and almost forgotten how to care for myself, I love more the others than myself and above all I make friends, but I feel like I am loosing, my Friends? They're gone? My treated special someone's? They're all gone. How did I know that? As I am aging, the movement of my normal life is also changing. Many of my well-known people gone, the love and support I had with them before ended, our contact break out and those people? They all changed like new.

Sometimes I even question myself WHAT DID I DO WRONG? In what aspect I made a mistake for me separate with my people? I've overtaken all of the happenings around me, I blame myself for losing, for everything what happened, I overthink a lot and I see myself struggling from the anxiety I am feeling.

The thing that I don't understand is that why am I being like this? Before I was so afraid of losing because I don't want to be alone, yet now, it is happening. When I am bored I stayed focus on my phone, or I overthink and cry. Sorry for being emotional but what I am telling is the truth, whenever I see a sad story, I cry, when I see someone is crying, I also cry, like I am just watching but feels like I had the pain.

What kind of issue is this? Because of this situation, sometimes I hurt myself and I am very stupid to do that. I get mad with my boyfriend and even to myself. Isn't this too much? I am praying to God that all of this what I'm going through will be solved and I'll return to my normal life. I prayed for Him that I could be Lovely as my name so I could be beautifully confident with my life, no more losing no more hurt.

If this is anxiety, Isn't this too much for a pregnant woman like me? I sometimes barely go to sleep because of overthinking, I sometimes feel like wanted to cry with no reason and sometimes just wanted to be alone. I feel like I am not just loosing the people around me but also myself. This is the hardest part I am facing, can no longer take this situation, I don't think I can make it or how long will I be able to fight with this battle.

Can someone understand me? Need some help.

How I wish I was Lovely as my name.