The aftermath of losing someone

I never thought I'd ever make an entry Luke this. I never even imagined writing things about this but here I am doing so.

September 24, 2021 (Friday) is one of the dates I will never forget in my entire life. My father was called back home by God. He is now in heaven, forever in the arms of the Almighty God. The pain is unbearable and unexplainable. That kind of pain which can never be mended as it is in the heart. It's been a couple of weeks now but it seems like it's just yesterday. The pain is there and I don't think I'll ever move in from it.

As per my personal experience, I can say that people who lost their loved ones (could be your father, mother, brother, sister, son, daughter, grandma, grandpa, friend or any relative close to you) can never actually move on from the pain, sadness, loneliness and hurt. It's always there and reminds you about it from time to time.

I salute those people who lost someone but still keeps on living and continuously grow, not just surviving and being stuck in mediocrity. I've met a lot of people who lost their loved ones and all I was about to say is this.

"May God cover you with His love, peace and comfort. Condolence."

But those words actually meant nothing compared to the pain in the heart which can't be mended by drinking medicine or patching it up with a band-aid as it is not a wound that is visible. As a matter of fact, the pain is undescribable. I also give monetary help but that doesn't help either. It's all just pain and wanting to just do nothing.

I don't want to go back to work. I lost interest in many things. I just want to lie down and close my eyes. Hoping that when that when I wake up the next day, everything will be back to the way it was. I just want to shut myself away from everyone and everything. I want to take a break, which I don't know how long. I just wanted to be with myself.

THE AFTERMATH OF LOSING SOMEONE

• Losing interest in everything.

There's nothing else I want to do. Except to cry and be alone. I don't touch my phone that much as I can't focus on many things. I am still overwhelmed and shock from what happened. Me and my whole family are. We're still in the process of mourning and accepting what happened to my papa.

• Regret.

I have regrets such as if only I didn't sleep that morning and I heard his heavy and labored breathing then, there's a possibility that he's still with us. If only I'd don't get my second dose of Moderna vaccine that day then, we could have sent him to the hospital earlier that day. There are lots of what ifs and all I can do is to just be regretful of my actions and decisions that day. I wasn't even able to tell him that I already have a school to teach at as my father is in heaven by the time I received the good news.

• Things are never the same.

My father is the sweetest. When I wake up and go downstairs he's the first person to greet me, "good morning Ne", "I love you Ne", "kain ka na Ne". I will never hear those sweet words from him again. I often ask my parents "Are you happy?" and they will always answer yes. I can never hear any response from him anymore. No more video calls, chats or any greetings from him.

• You will know who your true friends are.

I only have few friends whom I thought are the type of people who always got my back but I was mistaken and honestly all they think about right now is having Samgyupsal as I am already hired in public school. None of them came when I needed support. All they did was sent me a message as to how they are there when I needed someone to talk to but they weren't there when I needed them most. And the people who went there to show their support are my boss and two workmates whom I've known for just a few months, but those people whom I've known for years are nowhere to be seen. It's unfair as to how I always check up on them but none of them check up on me when I needed someone to be with me. As my support. They never showed up. Maybe I'm asking for too much? Or I'm just too emotional at the moment? Or I expected more than what they can give? Or maybe I'm too shallow? I don't know anymore. I tried to understand but this is one of the things which is never understandable for me.

• The recuperation period is everlasting.

I don't think I can ever recover from losing my papa. The pain will always be there and I will always remember him in almost everything. My mom is the one I can say who is hurt the most as they have been together for 37 years, married twice with eight children and has been together since day one. They are always together. My mom is the one who took care and understood my papa the most. She is the most affected person. As for me, I still cry but silently as I don't want my mom or my siblings to worry about me. My siblings and I has our own different ways in dealing with the fact that he's no longer physically with us.

• It's a matter of perspective.

Yes, it's painful to lose my papa but on the other hand it can also be considered as a miracle. Papa is now forever home in the presence of God for all eternity. I need to continue living and fighting as my mom is still here with us. She needs help and support in everything. She needs her children to be strong just like her. I need to be strong and brave because my mother needs me and I know that papa will not be happy if we continue being sad.

Slowly I try to regain my composure and muster of the strength to get out of bed, and start doing things little by little. I need to be strong and courageous to continue living and doing the best I can, not just for myself but for my father. He will never want to see me stop my life because of him. He would actually want to see me reaching my dreams.

Love_16

October 11, 2021

Monday